You Can’t Help Me-Have a Nice Life

A sad note from an unsubscriber

I woke up to that message this morning from an email newsletter subscriber. She was unsubscribing. I’m ok with that. I probably get about 1–3 unsubscribes a month maybe.

All good. People generally like to sign up, get their free gift and then bolt. I’m just as guilty of doing that but only if the person who is sending out newsletters bombards me twice a day. Then I’ll bang that unsubscribe button.


Those who unsubscribe usually just say “I have no time to read all these” or “I get too many emails”. I get it. I try not to flood your inbox. I’m rather consistently inconsistent. I tell you I’ll send something out once a week but that rarely happens.

I’m working on that though.

It’s hard to deliver messages weekly that you think your peeps want to read. Some days I struggle to come up with inspirational emails. It’s hard to be a ray of sunshine all the time.

Have a nice life

I don’t usually read the unsubscribe notices. They all pretty much say the same thing. The ones that really make me laugh though go something like this:

“Who are you, what do you want, how did you get my email addy, are you a spammer, go away”

Felicia, you gave me your fucking email address. Calm down. I don’t have an army of gremlins that work overtime stealing people’s information. Sheesh. So ya, sometimes the notes are just ridiculous. Another reason why I rarely read them anymore.

Except this one message crossed my inbox and it stopped me in my tracks.

“You can’t help me. Have a nice life”

My heart felt so sad

I was instantly sad when I read this. It almost sounded like me 10 years ago. I wanted to reach through the monitor and hug her. I wanted to take away whatever pain she was feeling and chase off the demons that were plaguing her.

She’s right. I can’t help her. I can’t help anyone for that matter. None of us can.

We can’t save anyone who doesn’t want to be saved.

We can’t help anyone who doesn’t want our help.

We can’t help anyone who isn’t ready for help.

I used to really struggle with this one. I want to save the world and every single broken person in it. I want to hug all their broken pieces and ram my self help bullshit down their throat.

But I can’t, I don’t think like that anymore and it’s not my job.

Toxic positivity

I see the world through rose coloured glasses. I’m not gonna lie. I think everything is always going to be ok and everyone should just smile and think positive thoughts.

I know. It’s bullshit.

Someone recently called me out on my toxic positivity. Ouch. Thanx for that. But they had a point. My optimism and positivity is toxic and no one wants to hear it.

When someone is going through a hard time the last thing they want to hear is “It’ll be ok”. Fuck off with your toxic positivity Iva.

Sure it probably will be ok eventually, but right now it’s not and people need to feel their grief and sorrow, their hate and anger. They need to feel these things.

I never used to understand that. I get it now.

Learn to shut up and listen

Too often we see one of our friends or family members suffering and we want to jump right in there with all our wonderful words of wisdom. “Do this, don’t do that, try this, stop saying that, why don’t you take my advice…bla bla bla”.

As much as we truly believe our advice will help or save anyone, it will often fall on deaf ears. You can advise til your blue in the face if that’s what makes you happy but trust me, no one is listening. Especially not the person you are trying to help.

We have to want to save ourselves.

We have to want to help ourselves.

We have to genuinely want to reach out to others for support.

Until we do that, everything will stay the same. The misery and the pain, the hurt and frustration, the anger and hate.

None of it will go away until we decide for ourselves that it’s time to change things and actually want, look for and ask for help.

So stop trying to save everyone. You can’t. But here’s a small list of the things you can do instead.

  • Be there for support
  • Lend an ear when they want to scream and cry
  • Offer a shoulder when they need comfort and a hug
  • Don’t turn your back on them
  • Provide them tools or resources they can look into when they are ready

If they lash out in anger they don’t mean to hurt you. They are hurt and angry and that’s how they respond and engage. Just send them love, healing love. ❤

We don’t want help-but don’t go away

I know when I’m going through a really shitty time I certainly don’t want any advice or words of wisdom. Honestly they just make me angrier. I just want to know that if I need to call you and scream and yell and cry, you’ll be there for me, and willing to listen, without a word.

That’s all I want. In a day or two I may want advice or tools that will help me help myself, but when I’m in the moment, please don’t blow sunshine up my ass. I’m not ready for it.

But many people are just like that.

They want to be heard. They want to know they can spew venom, get out all their frustrations, scream and cry and that you won’t judge, advise or belittle us. We need to know you will just sit there with us, and comfort us. Hug us. Without saying a word.

That’s all we want. When we’re ready for actual help, we will let you know. We will reach out and ask for help. We just need to know that you’ll still be there for us.

So Susan is right. I can’t help her. No one can. Only she can help herself, when she is ready.

I love you ❤

xo iva xo

Self help Guru|Expat|Website: mini self help eBook series here:

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