To be honest, I really don’t know why it’s so fucking hard this time. I’ve beat this addiction (or have I really?) so many times in the past. Once for 2 years and another time for 3 years. It seemed easy peasy then.
But now? I’m struggling so hard and it’s beating me down. I’ve had the talk with my mind a thousand times in the last 6 months or so:
My mind: Come on, let’s quit tomorrow, not today.
Me: Please. Can we not do this again?
My mind: Well you’re not really ready to quit anyway are you?
Me: Honestly, I think I am this time.
My mind: How about we think about it a little more. Let’s see how you feel tomorrow.
This has been going on for far too long. I quit for a day, then start up again. I quit for a week then start up again. This quit just won’t stick. It doesn’t have enough conviction.
I’ve been reading a lot of ‘quit smoking’ stories lately. They just pop up. I read them and take in each word. One of my friends back in Canada quit over a year ago. People all around me are quitting. So why can’t I?
What exactly is the fucking problem this time? I just don’t know. To be honest, I really do love smoking which, in itself, sounds sickening, but you almost have to be an addict to understand the depths of that statement.
Only an addict will understand.
We don’t really like what it does to us, we just like doing it. Period. We know how much it is hurting us. We’re not stupid people. Matter of fact, we’re pretty smart and normal-ish like the rest of you guys.
We’re just stupid when it comes to our addiction. It’s not us though. It’s our demons. It’s like a totally different being has taken over us and all our smarts go right out the fucking window.
But it’s all so different to me this time. I know I’ve written about my addiction a million times. Every time I go back and read a story and feel defeated. Like a loser. I feel pathetic. Like I let everyone, including myself down, yet again.
It’s exhausting. I’m not getting any younger. My skin has more wrinkles. Did smoking cause these or age or sun? My teeth are slowly dulling. I know that’s from smoking. And of course, I fucking stink. All the time. My clothes stink, my hair stinks.
This part, I hate a lot. Obviously not enough to hold a quit.
But this time is different. I’m really starting to feel and see the physical damage of it more than ever. I’m tired of it. I realize also, I could have a heart attack or a stroke at any given moment and just fucking drop dead.
This scares me. Does it scare me enough to quit smoking? It should. It’s scared me enough to make the decision to finally get help with my smoking. That’t what it has done.
I just recently read a story from Jason Weiland about quitting smoking and it encouraged me a little. But then my mind argued with me again:
My mind: Ah he only quit because he has a wife and young daughter and a baby on the way. You don’t have any that. No need to quit.
Me: No, but I do have a son. Even though he is 31 and on his own, he still kinda needs his momma, no?
My mind: No no, he’s good on his own now. Don’t worry about him.
This time is different. I think. I’m getting tired of smoking. I’m getting tired of this addiction and all the damage it’s doing to me. I’m just getting so fucking tired.
I think this time, I’m gonna set a date, prepare myself for it, and do it. I have Allen Carr’s book “The Easy Way to Quit Smoking” I should start reading it again.
I have access to quit smoking hypnotherapy. I could use those too.
I have ecigs. The lesser of two evils, but I could solely smoke those until I’m ready to give it all up completely.
I’m getting older and I want my health back. I want to go back to the gym and be that strong healthy iva again. I want my hair to smell like my expensive fucking hair products. I want my skin to glow again.
I so desperately want all these things.
I think I just might be ready and this time I’m going into my quit armed with weapons.
Here’s to hoping.
Peace and Love
xo iva xo