When You’re Sensitive AF

Sorry, not sorry, no wait, I think I really am sorry.

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Photo by Larm Rmah on Unsplash

All the sensitive peeps in the house, raise your hands. 🙌

I’ve dealt with this all my life. Being a middle child, I think it’s automatically multiplied by a million for me. My sisters teased me relentlessly when I was younger just to make me cry so they could laugh at me.

So ya, I could probably write a book on sensitivity. The only problem with that is it would come out sounding like me whining about being sensitive.

‘scratch off writing a book on sensitivity from the list’

I’ve had an extremely difficult time my whole life dealing with this issue. I open my mouth, people laugh. I open my mouth, people make fun of me, I open my mouth, people laugh, I open my mouth, people get mad at me and blame everything on me. I gave up.

I learned the hard way that when I open my mouth to communicate my feelings it never works out. So I stopped.

I questioned my feelings my whole life? Am I wrong? Am I overreacting? Am I being ridiculous? Am I acting like a 4 year old child? Should I say something? Should I just let it go?

I question myself all the time.

I’ve learned to keep my feelings inside. I’ve learned to try to process things that hurt me very carefully and then analyze them on my own. I’ve learned that communication will never go the way I want it to. So I just stopped.

I’ve also learned that lashing out with my feelings doesn’t work so well either so I stopped doing that too. I just didn’t know how to handle, or what to do with, all this sensitivity.

Doesn’t anyone understand? Why do they think it’s funny? It’s not. At all. It’s a cross I bear and it’s fucking heavy.

I’m a Libra. I hate confrontation. I don’t talk about stuff, though I probably should. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or make anyone mad at me so instead I stew over things. Is it healthy? Nope. Is it effective? Again, nope.

Past experience has taught me it’s better to just keep my mouth shut.

I don’t understand my own feelings and it causes great turmoil inside of me. More than I need. Being sensitive is, in my opinion, a constant struggle.

Most everything hurts my feelings. Many things make me cry. I feel lonely in my own head most of the time. My heart cries a lot.

I’ve learned to write out my feelings. I realize that when I see them on paper I can make more sense out of them. Sometimes.

I’ve also realized that when I step away from the situation and try to deal with it on my own (and calm down) then I am better prepared to deal with it in a day or two. I can remove heart and discuss rationally with head. For the most part, it works.

Not always, but sometimes.

No one gets me. People call me too sensitive.

I don’t have a tap that controls it. I can’t switch it off because ‘I’m strong and brave af today so I can put the sensitive bitch to rest for a day’. It doesn’t work like that.

I battle constant triggers all day. Some I can deal with effectively and let them go, others, not so much.

I’m trying to get better at this whole sensitive/communication thing. Really I am. The problem with that is, well, no one gets me. It’s so hard to try to explain what’s going on in your head when sometimes you don’t even understand it.

It’s hard to explain that years and years of trauma has made me the sensitive person I am today and I’m desperately trying to not be sensitive but it just doesn’t work that way.

I just wish people would understand. I wish people would stop saying ‘don’t be so sensitive’. That’s like me saying to you ‘don’t be so human’. You just don’t turn it off. That’s who you are. That’s who I am.

You know I always like to close with some inspirational and motivational message. I like to leave you with something you can apply to your life to make it better and help you grow.

I got nothing this time. Maybe writing this is therapy for me. Maybe I need to write this so people can see that being a sensitive person doesn’t just mean we cry a lot and get our feelings hurt for nothing.

It’s so much deeper than that. There is turmoil inside, constantly. We can’t switch it off. I wish I could. I’m sorry it makes you uncomfortable. You should feel what it does to me.

I love you ❤

Peace and Love

xo iva xo

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