When Your Mind is as Blank as Your Screen

And your heart hurts and you just can’t anymore

Image for post
Image for post
Pexels

I feel like all I’ve been writing about lately is my pain. I’ve had a lot of it in the past little while. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had many beautiful moments too and lots of good things happen. But the pain, ya. It’s there and it’s real.

I think being the super sensitive person that I am, I really just have such a hard time dealing with it. You can read more about that here:

I’m trying to think of upbeat and motivational things to share with you but it’s hard to write about something when you aren’t in that frame of mind. I’m hoping that it’s just a temporary glitch in my path right now (actually I know it’s temporary, everything is) and that it won’t last much longer.

I’m gonna blame most of this on the upcoming full moon. You can read about that here.

I can usually snap out of shit moods within a day or two. This one is hanging on longer than I would like it too. I’m not like all those other self help gurus that will tell you to snap out of it and turn your frown upside down.

I know that we are in control of our minds and our thoughts control our lives. I totally get all that. I also get that sometimes, when we’re having a ‘sad’ you just have to roll with it, honour it, feel it, understand it and then let it go.

Sometimes that can happen in an hour, sometimes in a day or two.

I’m hoping mine will be gone by tomorrow. If it’s not, there’s always weed and Fireball.

So I sat and stared at my screen blankly, like I have done so many times in the past but this time is different. I’m so empty inside. I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m frustrated, I’m lonely.

I’m trying to write daily. It helps me improve my writing skills and also stay in touch with the readers. I like doing that. I like the connections, the bonds, the ‘Medium’ friendships, the engagement.

Today I feel forced to write something and when you write from a place of desperation, nothing good comes out. So today I’m pouring my heart out to you. I’m just going to write through my pain and emptiness.

I wish I had my best friend from back home here with me. She totally gets me. These are the days when being so far away from home is not fun. These are the days I wish I had a magic wand to make all my pain go away and make everything better.

These are the days I want to curl up in a ball and make the world go away. I miss bubbly happy iva. I feel she’s been gone for awhile now and I want her back.

I feel like I’m losing a part of me and I don’t know why. Could it be that I’m just shedding some old to make room for something new and amazing? (there’s your inspiration for this post)

Could it be that I’m just growing again and learning new things about myself.

  • Things like who your friends are and who they aren’t.
  • Things like what really matters in life and what doesn’t anymore.
  • Things like what is all of this really for?

I don’t know. I don’t have any answers. It doesn’t really matter right now. I’m not looking for answers.

I’m looking for peace.

I’m looking to turn off my mind and my heart if only for a short time. I’ve been beating myself up all week. I’ve been thinking that I’m a bad person and I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and keep my thoughts to myself.

I feel like I’m just coasting right now. Coasting through life. Hoping something will hit me hard and snap me right the fuck out of this mood.

I bought a cigarette yesterday. It’s been 15 days since I smoked. I didn’t feel the least bit guilty about it. I promised myself I wasn’t going to put pressure on myself about this quit.

I may smoke tomorrow, I may not. I don’t really gaf right now. I don’t really gaf about much today to be honest.

I’m waiting for my a-ha moment in life. I’m waiting for inspiration to hurry up and strike me. I’m waiting for more and I don’t know what it is. I feel like there should be more to this life right now. I don’t really know.

So today I will honour my ‘sad’. I will let it come through me, stay for a bit, and then I will escort it away. I will keep plugging away at Pinterest and my Facebook pages. I will keep reading blogs about SEO and how to drive more traffic to my site.

I have to leave the house and go to the market but I don’t feel like it. That can wait. I know when I go people that has the ability to cheer me up but maybe I don’t really want to be cheered up today.

Maybe I just want to be left alone. Maybe I don’t want to talk about it.

I’ll keep pushing forward because I know tomorrow will be a better day. It won’t be worse than yesterday or today.

I know there is a lesson in this pain I am feeling. Unfortunately, the lesson isn’t always visible right away. It may show up tomorrow, it may reveal itself in a week or a month or a year. No clue.

For now I’ll just go through the motions of the day and look forward to a brighter tomorrow. A tomorrow where I may even smile.

I think it’s important to embrace sadness just like we embrace happiness. I think it’s important to feel deep pain. We try too hard to hide it, bury it, and pretend the world is full of rainbows and lollipops. It’s not.

Stop lying to yourself. Stop lying to others around you. It’s ok to not always be ok. It will be better tomorrow.

I love you ❤

Peace and Love

xo iva xo

Written by

Self help Guru|Expat|Website: https://amazingmemovement.com/ mini self help eBook series here: https://books.amazingmemovement.com/

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store