You know, I’m no stranger to beating myself up after sacrificing my self love, yet again. I cry to my friend and she always says “have you learned the lesson yet”? The answer is always no. I’m not sure why she even still asks. Don’t get me wrong. I love who I am and I love my life and I love what I’ve created for myself. But my self love? Ya,sometimes she takes a shit kicking.
So apparently the self love lesson is one I keep struggling with. Why can’t I get it right? What the hell is my problem? When will I learn to love myself once and for all? I’d like to think I’m not the only one who goes through this mental torment, no?
Where did my self love go this time?
I was pretty sure we were solid last year, me and my self love. We were rocking hard, holding our head up high and glowing with love. Yup we sure were. Then time passed….and I got lonely. You see where I’m going with this?
Suddenly my self love took a back seat because I was starting to get lonely. It’s been awhile. I need affection. I need someone’s arms around me, I need a kiss on the forehead and to hold someone’s hand while i’m walking down the street. I need and miss all that stuff dammit.
and in walks a boy…..
I gently shoo-ed self love away and whispered to her “just sit tight, we got this, we’re gonna be ok”. Who was I kidding? There was nothing ok about any of this. It was fucking stupid and was doomed for disaster.
In walks regret
Well, hello regret. Long time no see. I’ve been expecting you.
Yup. I knew it was coming. Did I care? Not really. At least not at the time while my hand was being held and my forehead was getting kissed. It was so sweet. Each time. It was all just so fucking blissful. I didn’t care at what price. I knew how this was all going to end. I’m not stupid er, wait…am I?
Did I care? Nope. I’ve been here before. I know what this kind of regret feels like. I’ll get over it. I always do. Sometimes it takes longer than the last time. I got this shit. I’ll be ok.
So what now?
Oh, for me, it’s the usual prescription. FB message my two best friends. They will send me virtual hugs, tell me I’m awesome, I deserve better and that they love me. I smoke weed, cry an awful lot, maybe have a shot of Fireball or two or 5. Walk around the apartment numb, dazed, confused and high. I’ll plug in Sarah Blondin and listen to her for 45 minutes. She soothes my heart and soul (seriously go check her out).
Does any of this help? Yup. The weed is good for numbing pain, as is the Fireball, the friends are good for my ego, crying releases toxins and Sarah puts my life back in perspective for me.
You just can’t beat yourself up over it. What’s done is done. Pick yourself back up and move on. Take a few things from this lesson and remember them for the next time (but let’s hope this doesn’t happen again). Remember, we’re all still learning and growing and we will until the day we die.
I know the only thing that will heal this fucking mess I’ve created is time. Sorry, too cliche? It’s true though. Time, meditations, positive self talk (oh how I love looking at myself in the mirror and reminding myself how fucking awesome and beautiful I am) and weed. It will all go away soon and I’ll be ok.
Until the next time this happens…..(stop it you moron).
Bartender, Fireball straight up por favor!
Peace and Love
Originally published at amazingmemovement.com on April 12, 2018.