Now obviously I have family. I have a few sisters, a son, one parent is barely still alive and then there are cousins and aunts that I haven’t spoken to in years. So it’s not like I’m orphaned or anything. There’s family. They’re just not here.
In case you live under a rock, you know I live in Guatemala and have been here for a little over 3 years. I left behind life as I know it in Canada for the unknown.
I didn’t know what to expect when I got here or how long I would last or if I would even like it. I came down here with a blindfold on, a song and a prayer.
It took a little while to get used to some things. You miss first world things, a lot. You miss your life, actually, and the routine and normalcy you once had, a lot, and then you sometimes miss your friends and family.
So 3 years down here now and I hardly talk to my family at all (except my son but for the purpose of this article he’s excluded). Every now and then I’ll message one or two of my sisters. They’re busy, I’m busy.
Usually it’s me who is so busy and I’m pretty sure one of my sisters just stopped messaging because I never have time to talk to her. I’m pretty sure she’s just fed up with “oh sister I don’t really have time right now”.
I would be.
I feel totally disconnected from family. Even some of my friends back home stopped messaging me. I get it. Iva is busy, life is changing, things just move on.
Disconnection from family and friends was totally foreign to me, until now. I would read stories about people who were cut off from family but couldn’t ever imagine what it would feel like.
I get it now.
It’s a real thing. The emptiness and ‘lostness’ is a real thing. You feel like you have no sense of belonging. You almost feel like your main identity was just taken away from you.
The feeling is deep and pretty sad.
I don’t even talk about my family anymore. They’re there, they’re not.
I carry on without an extension. It’s like I was just dropped here, from another world. It’s like you are left to your own devices to make your way through this thing called life.
There really isn’t anyone to share the good or the bad with. You find ‘friends’ to share things with because there’s no family to do this with. It makes you sad. It truly does.
You feel like an alien. You just feel like you don’t belong and you try to connect with other humans in hopes they are like minded, that they understand you and can be part of your new family you are desperately trying to create.
You’re always trying to make connections in hopes that someone will replace a parent or sister or brother. Or something. Maybe replace is a bad word. Fill in for?
You question things all the time. How did I end up with the family I did? What went wrong? Why do things like family end? What was the purpose of the family I had? The questions don’t stop and I don’t even bother looking for answers anymore.
It is what it is. I have a ridiculously small family right now that I hardly speak to anymore. I feel like I’m talking to someone I just met in a coffee shop line up. ‘How are you, that’s a pretty dress, where do you work, did you read the news the other night’?.
I feel like my roots disintegrated.
I wonder what life would be like if I didn’t have a son. Would I be even lonelier? Would I even know the difference?
So I hang to the few very dear friends I have. They are my family. The family that I have created for myself. I love them they love me and for now, that is all I need.
I love you ❤
Peace and Love
xo iva xo