There. I confess. I was the biggest loser in school. Starting in elementary school and all the way to the end of high school. Yup. I was a loser.
I had very few friends and was picked on an awful lot. Even by my sisters. I was constantly the target for hateful words.
Kids can be such assholes.
I was 1 of 4 girls in a strict Italian household in a new-ish neighbourhood. I was skinny, awkward and dumb, I had a big gap in between my two front teeth, I had big fro hair and I was extremely dark skinned. The latter was my nemesis.
My town was Sudbury, Ontario Canada. Red neck mining town. Italians, Polish, Germans, Finlanders and many more all flocked here for work. Mining and railroad work. It was a growing town. There was lots of work to be had.
One thing our town didn’t have was African Americans. No clue why not, we just didn’t have any at that time. Also at that time, being African American apparently was a horrible thing, according to every 10 year old (this was 45 yrs ago). What did I know? Racism that was passed down to us from our parents, no doubt.
I remember my dad hating them with a passion. But then my dad hated everyone, even his kids (except of course the first born). He was just an ignorant fuck.
All through elementary school I was called a “negro”. They yelled this out and taunted me in the school yard. The girls hated me and made fun of me. Even threw rocks at me (I remember having to get stitches in my head from one rock). They would even yell this out in class. The teachers did nothing.
I’d go home crying, run into the bathroom with a scouring pad and try to scrub my skin off. I wanted friends. I wanted the girls to like me. That clearly wasn’t going to happen as long as I was still a “negro”.
(how ironic is it that someone invented tanning beds so these bitches can have dark skin-fuck you)
In Junior high years, the ‘negro’ label was lifted but I still didn’t have any friends. I became even more shy and more awkward. All the other girls were so fucking pretty. I was never going to be one. I resigned to this fact and carried on my miserable existence.
Throw in the fact that I was constantly being physically abused at home, often ignored and belittled. I was fucked. I was the biggest loser on the planet. Who would want to be my friend anyway? Broken, sad, beaten, ugly and dumb.
At 14, I entered an all girl Catholic high school. By this time, I had one or two friends. One was a drunken native girl from a broken home just as fucked up as mine.The other was a girl from my street whose mother hated my guts. Go figure. She used to call me ‘screwball’. Bitch, if you grew up the way I did, you’d understand.
Parents can also be such assholes.
I also discovered weed and prescription pills. I was learning how to numb the pain of being the biggest loser on the planet. And it worked. Until the school caught on and so did my mom and off I went to psychiatric care for a short time. No one would ever understand the pain I had inside of me. I don’t care how many fucking letters you have at the end of your name. You won’t get it.
As I moved out of high school and into a world of my own I began to grow and blossom into a pretty good looking young woman. I worked in bars, I had many ‘friends’, I was popular and life was starting to take on some sort of shape. I didn’t feel like a loser anymore. Not as big as one anyway.
Fast forward through all my adult years (I’ll spare you all the details but you can always read the article below to get a better idea of the hell I went through)as grown up life also started taking its toll on me.
The Reason Why I Forgave All the Abusers in My Life.
(disclaimer: this post may contain triggers, tread carefully)
And this article will show you what kind of person I was as an adult. It wasn’t pretty.
Being a Bitch Totally Changed My Life.
My name is Iva and I used to be a mean girl. There, I said it.
My whole life, my whole existence had ‘loser’ written all over it. Nothing worked, nothing was good (minus the birth of my son 30 yrs ago) nothing was the way I wanted it to be.
Until one day…
I realized that everything I went through, all my life, was only to polish and prepare me for the next part of my life. The beautiful part. The blossoming part.
I realized that I am much stronger than the negative statements that were plugged into my wiring as a child, and then a young adult.
I realized that in order to release the pain from traumatic childhoods, we must first forgive and then remember we don’t live there anymore.
Being the biggest loser all my life showed me one very important thing…That no matter who you are, you are better, stronger and way more magnificent than the trauma from your past. It doesn’t define who you are now, it simply helps you be a bigger, better and more brilliant version of the person you are today.
Being the biggest loser all my life showed me that with enough determination and perseverance, you can change your life, and let go of all the shit from the past, if you want, and turn it into something so amazing, you could write a book about it ( I should do that anyway).
Being the biggest loser all my life, though as disturbing as it was, was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
Peace and Love
xo iva xo
Are you into listening to inspirational podcasts? You can now find me here, doing just that :) Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review! ❤