To My Son’s Father

I’m sorry your life ended this way

I got the call on Monday morning from my son. He tells me he has something sensitive to talk about. I’m concerned. We never have anything sensitive to talk about really unless someone dies.

And someone did. His father.

I’m shocked and saddened by the news. Him, not so much. He never knew his dad. I threw him out when Julian was just 18 months old and we never saw him again after that.

Julian feels nothing. I can’t help but think that I may have had played a part in his death. He didn’t die of natural causes.

He took his own life.

Years of emotional torment and pain, alcohol and who knows what else, finally took its toll.

When we met

We were 25 years old. He was charming and handsome, romantic and caring. After 6 months of dating I found out I was pregnant. I was thrilled. I wanted a baby. So did he.

We got married almost immediately. I didn’t want to be an unwed mother.

We both had good jobs, worked hard and were responsible adults. Until Julian came along. It was about 8 months after that he started coming home late from work, sometimes not returning until 3 am, drunk.

After a year of that I had had enough and threw him out. This was not the environment I wanted to raise my son in. I gave him the chance to get help but he argued and said he didn’t need any and would change.

That never happened.

The torment

For months after he moved out he would call me when he was drunk and threaten me. Threaten to take my baby away. He would come over drunk and rape me. My life was a living hell.

Many nights I would go to the neighbour’s house and Julian and I would sleep there just to be safe. It finally all ended when he left the province.

He never bothered me again.

Later on in life

Julian went off to university in Ottawa, just a couple of hours away from where his dad lived. His dad’s brother asked Julian if he wanted to meet up with his father seeing as how they lived so close now.

His dad declined saying he was too embarrassed to meet him at this point in his life.

That was the last we ever heard of him.

I’m so sorry

Dear Jules,

I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry your life came to this sad end. I don’t know what the last 29 years of your life has been like and I’m sorry it ended this way.

I can’t help to think that I played a part in that. I can’t help to think that you raged inside because of me. Because I took your son away. I removed you from our family.

Should I have tried harder to save our family? Could I have done something differently? Should I have insisted you keep contact with your son so you could have been a part of his life?

I have so many questions that will all be left unanswered.

I can’t ever understand the turmoil you must have went through for the last 29 years. If only you had reached out to Julian just to say hi. If only you could have met him when you had the chance to.

He’s such a good kid. You would have been so proud of him and proud to call him your son. Meeting him might have saved you from this.

I’m so sorry you felt so much pain in your life.

I know it’s too late but I need you to know something very important. You need to know that I never once spoke ill of you to Julian. I wasn’t like some of the other single moms who bash the kid’s dad and tell their children how much of a _______ < insert foul name here, their father was.

I never once did that. Julian has no negative thoughts about you at all. He never did.

But it’s too late for you to know that.

Thank you

I just want to say thank you for this beautiful child. You would have been such a proud father. He’s amazing. I’m so sorry you missed out on his life. I’m just so terribly sorry.

Though it’s too late, I feel your pain now. Rest in peace ❤

xo iva xo

Self help Guru|Expat|Website: mini self help eBook series here:

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