To My Sister on Her Birthday

I wish things were different

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Facebook notifications reminded me that today is your birthday. I hardly look at the calendar anymore so I never really know the exact date these days. But today is a special day.

It’s your birthday.

I know this is always a happy day for you, and I’m sure today, this year, is no different than any other. You will celebrate with your husband and family. All your friends and family will wish you a happy birthday.

But this year, I won’t.

I did last year but I don’t think you even noticed. My birthday came and went last year, as did Christmas, New Year’s Eve and other special days and I didn’t hear one word from you.

I can take a hint. You clearly don’t want to hear from me again. I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it. It makes me sad. Breaks my heart even. I actually think about you every day. But you don’t know that. You probably don’t even care.

That’s cool. Well, not really but it is what it is.

The old days

I have very fond memories of you. You were always my favourite sister. The one I always looked up to. You were the sister I always went to when I had a problem.

You were like my confidante, my mentor, my idol. You meant more to me than any other person in my life. I adored you. I worshipped you. I can remember being a teenager and wanting to be just like you.

I though you were the coolest person ever.

We were so close

There wasn’t anything I couldn’t talk to you about. You never judged me. You always gave me good advice. You were always there for me. I knew I could call you, any time of day or night if I needed help and you were there for me, without question.

We took care of our parents together in their old age. We could always count on each other to do our part in their care.

We just did so much, we were so close.

But that’s all gone now

All that has changed now. We’re strangers now. We don’t talk anymore. You won’t even give me the time of day. I get it.

All because I write and share my life stories to help others heal. All because I made the decision to talk of my life and my abuse, finally, to help free others from the chains of their past.

I wrote and got ostracized.

I never once thought that would ever happen to me. I thought my family relations were tighter than that. I thought my family would understand.

I never once thought I would ever lose the only family member that meant more to me than anything else in this world.

What’s done is done

I know you won’t read this and that’s cool. Honestly, I hope you never find it. Writing is my healing. It’s my therapy. It helps my heart.

I know we can never go back to where we were, to what we once had. We’ll never be close again. This makes me sad. This day makes me sad. As does Christmas and all other special days I will never hear from you.

I’m sorry my stories hurt you. I’m sorry that I lost you. I don’t know that if I knew this would happen prior would I rethink writing my stories. I don’t know.

I do what I have to do to heal and to help others heal. I’m sorry that offends you. I’m sorry my work disturbs the whole family.

I can’t change who I am. I can’t suppress who I am to please people. I’m done doing that. If it costs me my family, so be it.

I hope one day you will understand. I don’t think you ever will. I can only hope.

I want to say I miss you. A lot. And I hope you have a happy birthday ❤

I love you

xo iva xo

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