I was in the shower the other day and usually I don’t do much thinking in there. My usual thoughts in the shower go something like this…”I wish my shower head had more pressure.” “My God I lose a lot of hair!” and “A bathtub would be heavenly right about now”.
You see, my thoughts in there are usually pretty boring and mundane. BUT…
The other day I was in the shower and for some reason, this crazy thought about short men hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a revelation. It actually kinda surprised me. Surprised me in the sense of where the fuck did that thought just come from?
Ya, like that.
It hit me hard. And I finally figured out where the short man/tall man thing I had always been fixated on came from…Grab your coffee.
How tall are you?
For all my adult life, my dating adult life, I always wanted tall men. The taller the better. If you were under 5′ 11″ go away or at the very least have something REALLY spectacular to bring to the table to make up for your height. Ya, I was that bad. Borderline pathetic really.
On dating sites (don’t judge) I never checked any of the boxes under 5′ 11″. Never. If you weren’t tall, we weren’t happening. That was actually in the top 3 of the must have list. Don’t be a drunken douchebag, be tall, and don’t be married. Top 3. (I know, my standards were high)
My friends would sometimes say to me, “good God Iva, why do they have to be tall? What’s the big deal?” The funny thing about that, is that I never really had a good answer. I had many reasons why I thought I liked really tall men.
But why did I like tall men? Good question.
It’s my secret.
I secretly knew why. I didn’t want to admit it to anyone.
I felt safe. The taller the man, the safer I felt. The taller the man, the more protected I felt. The taller the man, the smaller and the more of a delicate flower I felt I was. I was meek (ya, who knew?), little, scared and vulnerable.
A tall man made the whole world all right for me. A tall man was my mighty warrior. I was the Fair Maiden, he was my Knight in Shining Armor. Oh and wait, if he was tall and heavy, like maybe even a tad overweight, the better. THEN I was really safe.
What a warped way to think.
And then it hit me in the shower.
This revelation happened.
After I left my last relationship I did a whole lot of soul searching and self discovery. Like a whole year of it and I’m still going through it. I imagine I will for the rest of my life. But anyway, the second guy I dated after I left “John” was short, very short, like almost the same height as me short. And it suddenly didn’t matter.
I suddenly didn’t give a fuck how tall or short or round or thin he was. It didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t even make it on the list of “must haves” anymore.
Because I stepped into my own power and self confidence. I stepped into who Iva really is and what she is all about. I found my self love, self esteem, self worth and all those other self things and suddenly I realized I didn’t need a Knight in Shining Armor to save me.
I didn’t need saving by no man. Not this girl.
I SO got this shit!
As I grew and evolved and learned and found love for myself, I suddenly became the tall person. I was the “Knight (or Priestess? or Queen? I dunno, what do you call her?) in Shining Armor” I was tall and proud and smart and awesome and larger than life. I wasn’t submissive, meek, scared or fragile anymore. I was strong, powerful and a force to be reckoned with.
I found me. I so got this shit. All of it. I didn’t need a tall man. Actually I found I didn’t even need a man at all. The “need” part was gone. I had finally gotten to the point where it was a matter of want over need. Yay me!! I did it.
I overcame the fear and I overcame the thought that a man was going to make my life better and save me. I finally realized the only person who could save me was me. And I did just that.
I also realized that a man in my life now would be to compliment my already great life. It would be to grow and learn together. He would be my partner in crime, my soul companion, my friend.
And I don’t care how tall, or short, he is. I’m totally ok with who I am now.
Calgon, take me away.
Peace and Love
xo iva xo