There’s a Huge Mofo Critter in My House

And I won’t sleep until he’s dead

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Image by Prawny on Pixabay

I’m totally critter phobe. Anything that has more legs than it legally should, crawls, slithers or flies and makes noises or bites aren’t welcome in my house. Period. Just because they aren’t welcome doesn’t mean they don’t come in.

The apartment I live in now has it’s fair share of the ugliest centipedes I have ever seen in my whole entire life. You can read more about my centipede dilemma here:

But that’s not all it’s got. Being down here in Guatemala, you come across all kinds of creepy critters. During rainy season there are these big motherfucking ugly guys, oh Lord, I can’t even talk about them.

I also have a shit ton of spiders but ironically enough, I kinda like those guys. They are helpful, no? My last apartment had tons of cockroaches but before you think ‘oh gross how disgusting’ cockroaches are probably the #1 critter down here. They are everywhere and it doesn’t matter how clean your house is.

But the ones I had were actually kinda pretty. Creepy, but pretty. They were a brilliant shade of lime green and they almost looked silky. Ok sorry. Enough about the cockroaches.

Anyway, when something looks suspicious on your floor, chances are, it is. 9 times out of 10 it’s a critter. Most are harmless. They’re just really freakin’ ugly. Now if you’re anything like me ( I hope you aren’t) you carefully inspect said spot on the floor from 10 feet away.

You stop moving and breathing to see if it has life. Is it just dirt? Could it be a piece of food? You wait…and wait…and then, poof…

It fucking moves. Ugh! But not just crawls slowly. This new guy on my floor ran away at the speed of light. And what is it with critters that run and hide so well you can’t fucking find them. Ever.again.

So this guy ran under my kitchen cupboards. There’s a big opening there for my gas tank. It’s also where I store bigger pots and other random things.


Now I’m super ballsy and brave when it comes to all kinds of things in life. With critters? Not a chance. I’m a sissy girlie girl who goes running, hiding and screaming. Oh ya. It ain’t pretty.

Panic sets in.

When I had my last centipede fiasco here I almost called the property guy to come and kill it. True story.

Right, so this new critter. Is hiding. And he’s not small. And I have no idea what it is because now he’s hiding and he moved so fucking fast I didn’t get a good look at him. Besides, it’s really hard to identify things from 10 feet away unless it’s a scorpion. I can spot those bastards a mile away.

When I lived in my first apartment here in Guatemala it was high in the mountains. It was the most magnificent place I’ve ever lived in my whole life. The scorpions seemed to love it there too. In the year I lived in the treehouse I probably had a dozen or so scorpions in my apartment. 90% of them in my bedroom.

Good times indeed.

I practically cocooned myself at bedtime. Oh ya. You would have laughed. You also would have asked me why I lived in place full of scorpions. You’re actually probably wondering why I live in a country full of unimaginable critters.

Because it’s fucking beautiful here.

Anyway let’s get back to said critter…

I sat in my chair motionless for what seemed like hours waiting for this fucker to scurry out from under the kitchen cupboards. Not a chance. I was hoping my foster puppy would sniff him out on a search and destroy mission. Also, not a chance.

Does he fly? Does he bite? Is he poisonous? Does he have pinchers? Am I safe? Should I call the police?

My mind is racing. What do I do? Do I carefully go under the cupboard to find this guy? I give this some thought and come to the conclusion that that’s just a really bad idea. Iva, remember the whole centipede incident? Right…

So now my whole life is ruined. There’s a big ugly critter hiding under my kitchen cupboards and I’ll never sleep again. Ok maybe that’s overkill (pardon the pun)?

Hours have passed. Is he still under the cupboard? I think so. Or maybe when I wasn’t looking he scurried away. Or maybe he’s dead. I don’t really know where he is or what he’s doing. I’m pretty sure he’s still under there freaking out thinking to himself ‘what on earth is that big moving thing with two legs??’

But until I know for certain what happened to said critter, I know one thing is for sure. I will sleep tonight but it won’t be a sound sleep. Oh hell no. I’ll have one eye open the entire night until I know without a shadow of a doubt he’s either gone or dead.

Just like his buddy the centipede.

xo iva xo

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Self help Guru|Expat|Website: mini self help eBook series here:

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