So today I’m questioning all my friendships, the people who I call friends and who I think are my friends and..who I thought were my friends. I actually Googled the word ‘friend’ to get the real meaning and to find out if anyone in my circle fits the description.
friend: a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
Ok, I think I have one or two people like that on my list.
An awful lot has happened in the last 24 hours and honestly, I’m kinda sad today. Maybe more on that later.
I am very selective with who I spend time with, who I really want to hang with and who I can honestly call my friends. I’m also a very ‘all accepting kinda gal’ and even when people, who claim to be my ‘friend’ , shit on me, I’m usually very chill about it.
I’ll forgive them and let it go, but they instantly get removed from the friend’s list.
I also can be quite naive at times but on the flip side of that, I’m extremely intuitive. My spidey senses tingle an awful lot.
But lately I’ve noticed something changing in me. Two things actually. Tolerance and self respect.
For some odd reason, my ‘friends’ (or, should I say, people who I thought were my friends) seem to think they don’t need to treat me with any certain level of respect and have taken full advantage of my tolerance level or shall I say, the level in which I just blow things off and carry on.
Clearly, I’ve shown them that that’s ok.
I’m realizing though the older I get, the less bullshit I’ll put up with. I’m also realizing the actual few number of friends I really do have.
I got shit on again the other day and I’ve been battling in my head for the last couple of days what exactly I want to do about it. The tolerant Iva says ‘let it go’. The fed up Iva says ‘ok, that’s enough now’.
But it’s not just that. It really has given me reason to pause and reflect on the people in my life who matter, the ones I can truly call my ‘friends’ and the people in my life who maybe don’t matter quite as much as I thought they did.
There’s an inner voice screaming at me to stop being ‘friends’ with people just to call them friends. My softer voice is whispering it’s ok, this too shall pass. And it will.
But I think now at this age (50 something), friendship is a lot more important to me, especially since I am countries away from my family and the friends I left back in Canada. I’m alone, and sometimes lonely, and I wonder if I’m collecting friends to fill that void.
Is that what we’ve done with friendship? We’ve used to fill voids? We use it to feel validated? Are we using it because social status is more important than integrity and self worth?
Is that what I’ve done?
I feel like I have and I haven’t. I’ve cut people out of my life recently. I’ve put up my hand and told a couple of people you can’t talk to me like that. I’ve put my foot down and put an end to disrespect.
But I’ve held on to a couple others who probably should go. Why?
Validation? Loneliness? Status? I’m not really sure but one thing I do know for sure, I’m done calling them ‘friends’ and will soon be clearing my inner voice and putting it to good use.
I need to remember who I am, how far I’ve come and who I want to stay in my life to be by my side supporting me, loving me and being my friend.
I need to remember that being alone is better than being lonely in a group of ‘friends’.
I need to remember who I am, my self worth and self respect and to remember to put my hand up more and say ‘no’, that’s not acceptable and I won’t tolerate it anymore.
I don’t need friends. I don’t need people in my life to fill a void. I don’t need people in my life who don’t treat me with the level of respect I deserve.
Neither do you.
I think 2019 isn’t only a year for me to focus clearly on my goals but also to take a deeper look into the people in my life and find out which ones can stay and which ones should go.
I think we all need to do that every now and then. When we let go of the toxic things and people in our life we make room for better things.
Maybe I’ll tell you my story another day.
I love you ❤
Peace and Love
xo iva xo