I love being the strong woman that I am today. I hold my head up high, I’m pretty proud of how far I’ve come, my level of self confidence has reached a ridiculous all time high. Yup, life is pretty sweet being the ballsy, badass and strong gal that I am today. But….it doesn’t come without its struggles.
People see what’s on the outside. They are amazed at how resilient I am (though some days I still amaze myself with that one), they cheer me on and sing songs of praise to me about how wonderful I am (and I’m still kinda uncomfortable with that).
Ya, but some days, I just don’t feel so wonderful. The struggle is real.
Inside I am scared, alone and tired.
Wow, you did that?
Why yes, yes I did, but lemme tell ya, it was scary as fuck. It took me days, weeks and sometimes even months of planning some of the ballsy stuff I did. There were many days I wish I had someone to hold my hand or rub my back gently and tell me everything was going to be ok. There were days I SO longed to have a person like that.
But I didn’t. I went it alone.
And in all honesty, it was kinda lonely being that ballsy and strong, alone. There were moments when I fucking hated it. I just wanted to curl up in ball in the corner of the room and make the world go away.
But I didn’t.
So, ya, I did that. I’m super proud of myself and still pat myself on the back some days for that, but it wasn’t easy, at all.
And what about that time….?
That time I met that really cute boy that I started having such a huge fucking crush on. Everything about him screamed “run away now”, and I didn’t until one day I had to dig deep and remember who I was, where I’ve been, what my triggers are and everything I had to do to work so hard to get to where I am today.
That kinda strength is hard, and it sucks.
When you’ve been alone for so long and all you want is to love and be loved. Be appreciated for who you are and have attention and affection.
What about that time….?
That time I had to stand strong and stand up for what I believed in and remember what I wouldn’t put up with ever again. I had to be strong even though every aching part of my body wanted that cute boy. Every part of my body that longed to be touched and loved and held and shown admiration and love to. I had to stay true to who I was and turn away from the cute boy.
I had to be strong. And that wasn’t easy. At all (seriously it’s hard to resist a cute boy!).
The battle with loneliness.
Is it loneliness? Not really, but some days it feels like it. Why doesn’t anyone get me? Why do I feel so alone most of the time? Why can’t I find someone who understands me, isn’t intimidated by me, doesn’t feel the need to challenge me all the time and can just accept and appreciate me for who I am?
Is that so much to ask?
When will being strong not be so hard? How I desperately secretly wish (ok maybe not so much a secret anymore) that I had someone, not necessarily a life partner but even just someone who can just make all these decisions for me and reassure me that everything is going to be ok and I’m on the right path.
How I wish that being strong didn’t suck the life out of me some times. Some times, it actually makes me cry.
Are you ok?
Am I? Do you care? Do you think I’m fucking She-Ra Princess of Power? Wonder Woman maybe? Nobody ever asks if you’re ok. Ever. And even if I wasn’t ok, would they understand? Do they even want to know how so not ok I am sometimes?
What happens to strong women is that people want to come to you for strength, comfort and advice and I’m totally cool with that. Honest I am. I love that my friends trust me enough and feel comfortable enough to want to do that.
But, what about me? Can someone please ask me if I’m ok? Really ok? Part of being a strong woman is that there is a piece inside that is screaming for someone to please hold us, understand us, comfort us, rub our back. Anything. Something.
We’re not super humans.
So, you see, for me, being strong isn’t always that easy or fun. Rewarding, in the long run, yes, but at the very moment I need to be strong, not so much fun and super effin hard.
Bartender, make that a double shot of tequila por favor.
Peace and Love
xo iva xo