The One Thing That Saved Me From Suicide
Growing up, my life was constant chaos, turmoil and fear. I hated my life, I hated my parents and I hated everything. I especially hated my parents. They were evil monsters who were convinced beating your children was a great way to control them.
When I moved out and moved on with my life, nothing really ever got better. I was in and out of abusive relationships. I constantly battled drugs and depression and struggled for as long as I can remember with money, surviving and succeeding. It just seemed to never happen for me.
At 26 I got married and had a child of my own. Surely life will be better now, no? I have a husband and a child now so I have meaning. Don’t I? Isn’t this the first step in a successful life. Married with a child?
Apparently not. After a year and a half I threw my husband out who somewhere along the way, picked up a nasty drinking and alcoholic rage problem. I wasn’t interested in having any part of that nor was I going to subject to our son to that behaviour.
This was the true beginning of my single mom struggle. The struggle was real and it carried on for longer than I wanted it to. More abusive relationships, lost, alone and desperate, I was sure this wasn’t the life I wanted.
During those years, there were many times I thought about ending it all. Too many times to be honest.
The conversations in my head went something like this:
“I can’t do this anymore. This is no life for my son. He doesn’t deserve to be raised by a troubled fucked up lady who can’t seem to get life right”.
“What examples am I setting for him? What will he learn from this ridiculous upbringing? I can’t afford to raise him. I can barely afford to offer us any kind of life”.
“No child deserves this. I’m a useless loser of a mom. He will never respect me or love me. He will be mad at me forever for raising him in this poverty stricken shit life”.
“I’m tired. I’m tired of this fight that I know I will never win. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold on. If I just tap out now, surely he will have a better life with my parents”.
“I’m just so fucking tired of all of this and I pray for answers that never come. Why won’t the answers come? When will this get better? This is never going to get any fucking better. It’s nonstop. I’m just.so.goddamn.tired”
“Ya. My parents. Good plan. They can have him. They love him more than life itself. He’s high on their pedestal. He will never want for anything with them. I’ll just tap out and let them take over”.
“I am a horrible fucking mother. I don’t even know how to do this. My son will be fucked up for the rest of his life because of my messed up ways. This is bullshit. Maybe I’ll just take us both out.”
“I don’t want to play this struggle game. I hate being alone. I hate not having a good man to love me and treat me right. I hate worrying where our next meal is going to come from or if we have money for rent.”
“This is all such hard work. This life shit. All my friends have these perfect lives with good jobs and great husbands and nice houses and all that and what do we have? Fuck all. Struggle. That’s what we have.”
These conversations went on more times than I care to admit. I was so tired.
So once I got a grip on myself during these conversations they changed to this:
“Iva smarten up. Stop being an asshole. Remember, you did want a child. You brought him into this world. It’s no one’s job to take care of him but yours and besides…
…what will he think of you after you off yourself?
…what will he think of himself after you do that?
…how fucked up will he truly be without a mom or dad?
…what kind of emotional trauma will he have to deal with afterwards?
…don’t you want to see him grow up?
…don’t you care to see what kind of young man he will be?
…can’t you try harder for him?
…don’t you care about him?
…and honestly, you’re not doing that bad of a job.
…you got this, hang in there, things will be ok.
This battle went on in my head and in my life for almost 15 years. Do I or don’t I?
No you don’t. Because of your son.
Because of my son, I am still here. Still struggling, but with far more determination and optimism than ever.
Because of my son, I work my ass off to be the best I can be and do the best I can do to show him that anything is possible, if you want it bad enough.
Because of my son, I am here inspiring millions of people around the world to never give up on their dreams, hopes, goals and plans.
Because of my son, I am still here. And that’s the only thing that matters. ❤
Peace and Love
xo iva xo