My Roller Coaster of Emotions
(oh I just figured out how to make subtitles!! YAY me!!)
Every morning I wake up with gratitude…
I open my eyes and thank God for another day. I thank Him for keeping me safe all night and letting me see the light of a new day. I thank Him for my comfy bed, pillows and blankies.
I then get my jammies on, make coffee and grab my iPad to start my meditation morning.
My heart is light and happy, my thoughts are all on gratitude right now.
Isn’t life beautiful?
Then I fire up the computer, check my emails and defeat sets in…
No book sales, class registrations or Angel Card readings booked again today. Another day of wondering how the fuck am I supposed to promote more effectively. I wonder if I’ll have enough money to cover rent this month.
I get morning Facebook messages from my friends that make me smile. If only they knew the defeat and frustration I am feeling right now.
A voice whispers “Iva have faith, let go and surrender, your time is coming”
Work mode sets in and I’m frazzled…
Work has now kicked into full speed. Go through emails, make a list of fires I have to put out, check Pinterest, Instagram, Medium, engage in Facebook groups and threads all the while chatting with either a sister, a friend or my son. I carry on conversations while pinning, sharing, engaging, all the while wondering what I really should do today to get my message out more today.
I need to smoke.
What didn’t work yesterday, what is pressing today, what needs more work, where should my focus be today. What the fuck am I doing wrong? Why isn’t this working?
Breathe in breathe out…relax girl, it’s gonna be ok.
I’m too fed up for all this…
I’m too frazzled to do any of this. I’m frustrated, fed up (and it’s only 10:00 am), dejected and tired of it all.
I need a cigarette.
What fucking day is it today, anyway?
In a hasty fit, I get up from the computer, get dressed and go for a ride to the market. I need to take my mind off of work. I need to ‘people’ right now, even if it is only the guys who work at my favourite store. They always make me laugh. That’s what I need right now.
I’m happy again and I know I have to get back home and get back to work. I don’t want to. I really don’t want to. I want it all to go away.
Keep at it Iva, don’t give up.
Back to work and I feel more optimistic now…
Ok, on the agenda today is blogging and image creation for Pinterest and my Facebook page. Let’s do this. I have stories I want to write and I know my blogs need new pin images. Writing first, create later. I’m feeling it now.
I see my latest pin had tons of engagement. Someone is inquiring about Angel Card readings, my son checks in and he’s having a good day (that’s all that ever matters to me). Things are looking up.
Yessss. I am on the right track. I am making a difference.
I’m more focused now and getting shit done…
My new pins are really nice. I’ve added a few drafts to Medium, my Facebook page is scheduled a few days ahead. I feel good. I’m going to be ok.
After a few hours of work I realize it’s almost dinner time. Satisfied with the work I’ve accomplished so far, I get up from the computer and get dinner started.
Way to go girl. You did a good job today!
Eating dinner alone sucks…
(did I eat lunch today?)
I eat…alone…again. I am really starting to get tired of this. I’m grateful I have food and a lovely table to eat it at, in a beautiful apartment in one of the most amazing places on earth, I just wish I had someone to share it all with. I’m tired of doing this alone.every.fucking.night.
I need a cigarette.
A small tear forms in my eyes. When? When will I be able to sit and enjoy a meal with a companion? (I really miss french fries too. This new meal plan is great but I’d give my right arm for some fucking french fries and maybe even chocolate cake right now).
Be patient Iva, ‘Mr. Perfect for you’ will show up soon.
Time to finish up the last part of the day in quiet reflection…
I have a shit ton more work to do. Maybe tonight I’ll go through some old blogs to see how I can tweak them for better SEO. Maybe I’ll read an educational blog or two on marketing and promoting.
Should I do a podcast tonight? I’m not really feeling it. I think I need to smoke some weed right now.
I should add more blogs to my Facebook page. I might need popcorn. This was a chaotic day but you did good girl!! You got some great work done and you probably inspired at least one person somewhere in the world.
Sigh. The day is almost over.
It’s almost 10:00 pm. I’m emotionally drained…
I’m tired, mentally and emotionally. Another day of “what’s it all for” thoughts, working my ass off and plugging away but I just know one day it will all work out.
I’m tired but I wonder if I did enough today. Am I ready to shut down the computer just yet? Did I miss something today? I’m so tired. Will tonight be the night I sleep forever?
It’s time to rest weary one. You’ve done enough.
Another night alone…
As much as I absolutely love love love having the whole bed to myself, I have to admit, there are many nights I wish I had someone to share it with. I wish I could lay in someone’s arms and take comfort in that feeling you get, that everything is alright, you are safe and life is good.
Ya, that feeling.
I find a nice night time chill the fuck out meditation on Insight Timer, plug in the headphones, grab the pillow beside me tightly, sometimes I cry, mostly I don’t, and drift off to sleep.
Tomorrow will be a better day Iva. I love you ❤
Peace and Love
xo iva xo
Check out my No Holds Barred podcast ❤