I have probably quit smoking at least a thousand times. Maybe more. It’s off and on. To actually pinpoint what the triggers are that cause me to start up again is almost impossible. I honestly don’t know what they are.
So last Monday was my first day cigarette free. I will confess, I am vaping instead and for the most part, it satisfies the cravings. For the most part. I got along very well all week with just my ecig. I felt confident and sure of this quit.
I feel confident with almost every quit to be honest.This time it felt different. I was sure I had it.
Today I was out in town doing some shopping and enjoying the sunshine. I had my ecig with me. It’s always right next to me.
And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I desperately wanted a real cigarette. Not the pretend vapor ecig. No no that’s not cutting it today. This time, right at that very moment, I craved the millions of toxins and poisons that can be found in a real fucking cigarette.
I couldn’t settle for less today. I wanted the disgusting smelly stuff today. But just one. I just wanted one dammit.
Now the beauty of this little town is that you can go into any store and just buy one cigarette, or 2 or 5 or however many you want. You don’t actually have to buy a whole pack. Hallelujah.
So I caved into my craving, went to a store that knows what I smoke, he grabbed my usual pack for me and I said “oh no, solo uno hoy por favor”. He looked at me funny and handed me one. It’s 1 quetzal or the equivalent of $0.17 Canadian.
I sat down in the park and lit up. I didn’t feel one lick of guilt. To be perfectly honest, it was really fucking good. I kinda wished I had bought the whole pack. But I won’t. I can’t. I made a commitment to myself to quit.
Being an addict is fucking hard. We have this constant battle going on in our heads. Just one. Just one today. No more.
So I had my “just one” today. I don’t regret it. That’s the scary part. I should have felt horrible about myself, but I didn’t. I smoked it, enjoyed it, put it out, got on my scooter and drove home. Even drove past the other store I normally buy my cigarettes at, entertained the thought of stopping and just buying a whole goddamn pack, but I didn’t.
Nope Iva. Just one for today. Maybe tomorrow you won’t want any. That’s the current battle going on in my head. Hopefully tomorrow will be completely cigarette free.
I’m not gonna stress myself out over it. That’ll just cause me to smoke!
I’m currently on a full on health kick. Cut out all bad carbs and sugar, I’m back to exercising 5 times a week, drinking tons of water. I’m feeling really good for someone who turns 56 this year.
I know I’ll kick this habit for good. I know I will. Just not today.
Let’s see what tomorrow brings.
Peace and Love
xo iva xo