Personal story and confession time. We’re all friends here, amirite?
Well, clearly you can see from the title what it is. I’m not going to say I was an addict. Far from it. I could have a bag of cocaine sitting on my dresser for a week and not touch it until the weekend. Definitely not an addict. I’m not an addict. I swear. I’m not an addict. When you keep telling yourself that, you eventually believe it.
On the weekends, it was the first thing I reached for before I headed out the door to meet with friends and drink myself into a stupor. But…..
Let’s go back some 25 years ago to the first time I tried cocaine. I was scared. I heard the “you’re gonna become an addict!!” warnings. Hard to become an addict on a rich man’s drug when you ain’t rich. Anyway I tried it and liked it. An awful lot.
We only did it a few times then. I never actively searched for it in desperation to get a fix. Nope. It was nothing like that. If it was there, we did it. If we had extra money (which was rare) we did it. Other than that, we rarely did it.
Fast forward to 2 years ago. I’m in Guatemala now. I’ve made some fun friends, I’m working myself to the bone and stressed the fuck out all the time. One weekend a friend says he’s going to get cocaine. Whoa, really there’s cocaine here? At this time, I had only been here and really social for about 6 months.
To this day, I’m still not sure why, but I got awfully excited knowing I could get cocaine here, for really cheap. A little too excited. “I’d love some if you could get me some too”. Now keep in mind, it’s been almost 25 yrs since the last time I did cocaine. Not an addict.
He gets it, we saunter off to the bathroom and take a hit. Mmmm. I remember this now.
And so began my weekend addiction to cocaine.
It’s ridiculously cheap to buy anything here, even drugs. And easy to get too! Now mind you, two of my close friends got busted for possession of cocaine so I was really really careful. I’d lose everything if that happened to me. Especially my reputation as a personal development blogger/motivator who totally has her shit together and is trying to make a difference in the world (you go girl).
My life became more stressful. I was making really good money and throwing it around on the weekends on booze and cocaine. It started out with one little bag and probably 3 months in I was buying 3 bags a night. Now I should point out, the bags are really teeny tiny. Like the size of your pinky nailbed (for a girl I guess). One bag should have been enough for the whole night anyway.
But it wasn’t. Not anymore. I was noticing that if I did enough cocaine on the weekends all my problems disappeared and I had the energy and stamina to drink and party all fucking night. And I did. But only on weekends. I’m not an addict.
This went on for about 1 year. Well maybe it wasn’t even that long. It could have only been 8 months. Honestly I don’t know, I don’t remember and it doesn’t really matter. It wasn’t forever.
Then without warning, one of the biggest stressors of my life was taken away from me and suddenly a thousand pounds was lifted off my shoulders. I was sad, totally shocked, hurt and angry. It made me want to do more cocaine. I was also relieved it was gone. I shouldn’t be doing more cocaine.
It had become a habit now. Friday night, get ready to go out, snort cocaine and go party. Until one day the man I was dating at the time voiced his distaste in my cocaine habit. Simply put, he stated, that’s your thing not mine I don’t like it and I’m not sure why you do it (or something to that effect).
Oh? Interesting. It got me thinking. I don’t know why I do it either. I’m not that stressed anymore. My life wasn’t chaos anymore. I was working, making decent money, dating a nice guy. What was wrong with my life that I still needed to do cocaine?
I realized I just didn’t need it anymore. There was no pain to numb out. There was no stress to obliterate with drugs. There was no anger, hurt, pain, frustration. Nothing. I was doing it just because it had become a habit. A ridiculous habit at that.
And I stopped. Just like that. And never looked back. That was probably 7 months or so ago and I have no desire or interest to do cocaine. That’s not to say I won’t ever do it again. I may. I may not. It’s just not on the forefront of my mind anymore. At all. Ever.
We all have ways to numb pain. Some people are alcoholics, others smoke weed, some use natural and healthier methods like NLP, meditation, Reiki or whatever. We all have pain. We all deal with it differently.
This is how I dealt with mine. It was stupid but I’m not gonna say it was a mistake. This was my pain and that was my fix.
Ours is not to judge.
I have learned to deal with my pain in a more healthier way these days. Cry, meditate, smoke weed sometimes, tap naps, eat chocolate, go for a walk. I embrace my pain, feel it, find out where it’s coming from and release it.
My nose thanx me for this ❤
Peace and Love
xo iva xo