I used to sell myself for love. Not literally. I didn’t actually get paid or ask for money. It was much worse than that. I sold my soul, my values, my self worth and integrity. Pretty much everything I had, for love.
I did things normal people wouldn’t do. Normal people didn’t have to do. They knew what healthy love was. They had been receiving and giving it their whole life.
I had no idea what it was. No clue.
My entire life, I craved love, attention and affection. My parents had no idea what love was or how to give it. They didn’t even love each other, that I’m sure of. Their idea of attention was to physically abuse me.
As a teenager, I threw myself at any boy that looked twice at me. I would do almost anything to get him to like me, love me even. It didn’t even have anything to do with sex, at least not until I was 18.
After that, I was out of control.
I dressed like a whore and acted like a whore. By the time I was 20 I was a pretty good looking young lady. I was also quite vivacious. You simply couldn’t not notice me. I made sure of that.
Look at me now dammit. See me. Love me. Give me some fucking attention.
And I got it.
I was reckless, wild and carefree. I was also desperately searching for true love. Most of my high school friends already had love. They were married with kids. I was jealous. I hated them. Why couldn’t my life be normal like theirs?
Why do I have to fight so fucking hard for love yet for others it just happened so effortlessly? I was an outcast. The friends I grew up with were replaced with bar friends and men.
I was in and out of all the wrong relationships. I gave myself to men who treated me like a whore. It was attention and it didn’t matter to me how disgusting it was. I craved it so bad I sacrificed every ounce of self worth I had left in me for it.
As I got older sex was replaced with lavish gifts. Trips, cars, houses. You name it, I got it. I got everything, all I ever wanted materialistically, except love. I clung on to the wrong men because they showered me with gifts and attention.
By that point I had nothing left in me.
Fast forward to 2013. I had nothing left. No self worth, self esteem, self confidence, nothing. I was done. My last relationship finally opened my eyes.
8 years with a man who belittled me so much it was exhausting. He would be mean and then buy back my love. He would hurt me and then buy me something else. I clung on to him for dear life. I really believed he did love me he just had a funny way of showing it.
I had nothing but him. I didn’t think I could live without him. I was in my early 50’s and was certain that I if I ever left him my life would be over. It would be a nightmarish mix of poverty, struggle and anger which would keep me on the path of selling my soul for love.
At least with him, I knew the price. It was a steady monthly fee.
Until this happened…
One day I just snapped. It was like this bomb exploded in my head and woke me up. I put an end to it all. I was so done.
It took me 51 fucking years to finally snap and realize that for my entire life I had put myself up for sale.
I wrote him a Dear John letter and never looked back.
When I left him I knew right there and then, my love would never be for sale ever again. And it never has been again. That was 5 years ago.
It took me a full year of some hard core self discovery and healing to realize I am worthy of real love. I do deserve true love and I don’t have to offer anything up to get it.
The last man I dated appreciated and loved me exactly for who I am. It was so refreshing to be in a relationship, finally, and not have to sell my soul.
I’ve come a long way.
Neither do you.
We are all deserving of true real love without having to sacrifice ourselves, and what we believe in, for it. Know that love starts in you. Your self love is the most important of all loves.
When you love yourself the right way, others will know how to love you. When you treat yourself the right way, with respect and dignity, others will follow suit.
Remember you get back what you send out. If you put out low self worth and self respect, others will see that and treat you accordingly. Do whatever the fuck you have to do to love yourself again and treat yourself with the utmost of greatest respect.
It took me almost a full year but I got it now. You can do this too. Stop selling yourself for love.
I love you ❤
Peace and Love
xo iva xo