I thought long and hard about writing this. What will people think of me? Will my family be disgusted by my actions and hurt that I did something so reckless and stupid?
I decided to share it in the hopes that it actually might save someone’s life. In the hopes that the people who need to see this article, see it, read it, get it ( I mean REALLY get it ) and back away from this killer drug.
Yes I said it. It’s a killer drug.
But before I go on, I’m sure many will read this and accuse me of overreacting, being melodramatic or flat out lying. This is my experience. No holds barred, no making shit up (why would I want to anyway?) and my exact detailed account of how I felt during my ecstasy trip.
If you had a better experience, write your own story.
I didn’t go in blindly
I did research. A lot of research. Curiosity had me watching YouTube videos and reading blogs on ecstasy many months ago. I wanted to know all about it, the good and the bad. I mean, a drug so popular, how could it be so bad?
I also did research on MDMA, DMT and other drugs. They are all easy to get where I live. I’m curious. I want to know how all these drugs make you feel, how long it lasts, what the side effects are and what the possible dangers are.
I read everything very carefully. I tried MDMA twice. The first time I didn’t really like it so much, the second time was blissful. Should I try ecstasy? Do I take a chance?
I read more and then decided that if the opportunity ever presented itself, I would.
My friend messaged me and asked if I wanted to do some ecstasy with him. Oh? I immediately felt nervous and fearful. He said I could take half a pill and that would be enough for me and it would be fantastic. He assured me that half a pill I’d still be able to trip and have fun.
He also said that sex was amazing on ecstasy. Who doesn’t want to have amazing sex?
I said yes. I want to. We made a date for later that night to do it.
Throughout the day I kept getting little messages. “No Iva don’t do it. Please rethink this Iva. This is a horribly bad idea Iva”. Fear was taking over and trying to talk me out of it. I almost called my friend twice and told him to cancel.
But I knew that was just my anxiety and fear talking and I assured myself that I would be ok. I’m only going to take half a pill. What could go wrong?
My night of horror
I met my friend at the local bar. I had dinner and a few drinks. We have a 6 pm curfew here so we left at 6 and went back to my place. Around 7 pm my friend took the pill out and said “Are you ready”?
I was and I wasn’t. I was terrified but trying to remain calm and cool. I decided against half a pill and cut that down into a half. I basically took a quarter of an ecstasy pill.
A quarter of one. And this is how my night went down.
At first I felt light and free. That lasted for about 10 minutes. I wish I could expand on that feeling but I barely remember it. I clearly remember the next 4 hours.
The night seemed like an eternity. I wanted it all to stop so bad. I wanted it to be over. I desperately wanted this poison out of my body.
The first wave
Right after that extremely brief feeling of euphoria, I was instantly crushed by a wave of anxiety, nausea and terror. My entire body was on fire and I needed to puke, really bad.
I needed fresh air, I needed to walk around and calm the fuck down. We went outside in the back and sat in the patio area. I was taking small light calming breaths all the while telling myself it’s ok and I’m gonna be ok.
“Calm down Iva, you’re overreacting, take little breaths, you’re gonna be ok” This is what I told myself over and over and over again. And this was just wave one.
Little did I know that this was the first of many many horrifying waves that would hit me that night.
I went to the bathroom, sat down in front of the great white porcelain God, stuck my fingers down my throat and waited to puke out my entire life.
I couldn’t throw up. No matter how hard I tried. Nothing would come out. My friend joined me in the bathroom and there we sat and talked, for the next 4 hours.
The second wave-10 times worse
I am not sure how much time had passed. It could have been 5 minutes, it could have been 45 minutes. I have no idea. All I know is that my entire evening would consist of wave after terrifying wave.
I may have had a 5 or 10 minute break in between waves. Or maybe it was only 10 seconds. I have no concept of time anymore.
The second wave hit ten times stronger than the first one. My face was on fire and my throat was closing. Breathing had suddenly become difficult and my heart was pounding out my chest. My eyelids were forcing themselves closed and I was confused about why they would do this.
What the fuck is happening to me??
I asked my friend to please call 911. I think I’m going to die tonight I tell him. He assures me I won’t die.
He’s tripping balls and having the time of his life. The pill agrees with him. He’s grooving to music and chilling out. I’m freaking out and am positive that death will take me on this night.
The second wave goes away and I breathe softly again. Convincing myself that it’s gonna be ok. The rest of the night will get better Iva. Your body is just trying to adjust to the chemicals. It’ll settle down soon. You’ll be fine, I tell myself.
The third wave then hits and I’m sure this is it for me
I have a beautiful Christian meditation on my phone from Insight Timer. I play it and listen to it intensely. I play it over and over again. I need God to know I’m sorry and please save me tonight. I promise Him I’ll never do this again.
The third wave hits and I desperately try to call my friend in the US. I need to talk to him. I need him to tell me I’m going to be ok. I need him to stay with me and keep me company and assure me I’ll be fine.
But I can’t get through to him and then I feel like throwing up again and my throat closes up again. My heart is beating ten times harder and faster than the last wave and my entire life flashes before my eyes.
Wait, I can’t go now. I’m not ready to go yet. I haven’t given my son the passwords to all the things of mine he’ll need after I’m dead. I’m not done my work on earth yet. Dear God I’m not ready yet please don’t let this be it.
I’m trying to calm down. I’m crying. I’m trying to call my friend. I don’t want to die in my bathroom strung out on ecstasy. I can’t believe I did this. How stupid can I possibly be.
I stick my fingers down my throat again and try to puke. I still can’t. I also still can’t breathe. My throat is closing and my face is on fire again. For the first time in my life, I’m terrified of death.
I ask my friend again to please call 911. Again he refuses and tells me I’ll be ok. I need to ride it out. It’ll only be a few more hours, he says.
A few more hours. How long has it been? What time is it? Shouldn’t this be over soon? I want to go to sleep. I need this to end. I tell him frantically that I need this poison out of my body now. He smiles at me and tells me I’ll be fine.
I try to call my friend again. No answer. It’s late. I know he’s sleeping. I need him to wake up. If this is going to be my last night I want to talk to someone I love. I don’t want to die here in my bathroom.
Coming to an end
I’m not sure how many more waves I had. My entire evening was filled with wave after wave of anxiety, nausea, my throat closing, my heart pounding out my chest and me thinking I was going to die.
There was nothing good about this night. Not one thing.
I’ve lost all track of time but I feel like I could go to bed and be ok. I feel like if I go to bed I will most certainly wake up in the morning. To a new day.
My friend messages me at 1 a.m. I chat with him briefly and tell him I’m ok now and I go to sleep.
I thank God that I’m ok and that He pulled me through the night. I’m calmer now and I want to sleep. I want this horrendous ordeal to be over.
Life is different now
This entire experience completely changed the way I think about life. About who I am, what I’m doing here, why I’m here. About the choices I’ve been making. The people I’ve been hanging around with.
And my faith.
I’m not beating myself up anymore for being so stupid and reckless as to experiment with this drug. I did it, it all happened and it’s time to move on. But I’m moving in a different direction now. And I wish I could explain that as easily as I did my horrifying night on ecstasy but I can’t.
Anyone who has ever felt close to death will understand how it changes you.
I share my story now as a word of caution for anyone who’s thinking of trying ecstasy. Please don’t.
People will say ‘oh you just had a bad pill’ but that’s not the case. My friend was clear proof of that. He was flying high and having the time of his life while I was on the edge of death.
Just please be careful and think twice before taking a substance that you aren’t sure about. Please share this with anyone who needs to read it.
I am now flying high on life alone. Life is my drug of choice.
xo iva xo