If you followed my quit smoking journey earlier this year you will know that I successfully didn’t quit. I’m no quitter! Er. Right. Anyway it’s been a tough fucking battle. Anyone who suffers from any kind of addiction knows this.
Does Anyone Even Give a Shit?
You really don’t have to. Honestly. These are my stories, my life and oh, guess what we’re talking about today? This…
My Quit Smoking Journey-Week 2
You know, I gotta admit, this week has been too easy. Almost scary easy. The #1 rule with an addiction and the quitting…
The battle to quit will suck the fucking life out of you even though the addiction itself is killing you. As addicts, we really make no sense.
Whether you are trying to quit smoking, drugs, alcohol, sugar or whatever you are addicted to, the first step is always the hardest and the scariest. The decision to quit.
So I’m no stranger to quitting and starting up again. I won’t say failing. Trying is half the battle, there is no failure. I actually quit once for 3 years. Yay me! Then I went back to it. Then someone invented ecigs. I love you. So I started vaping and quit smoking cigarettes for a little over 2 years. Yay me again.
Then I, well you know. Started smoking again of course.
For the last month or so now I’ve really been thinking about quitting again but it scares me. I really love smoking. It’s sick and I can’t explain it. But it’s been getting to me. Not only for health reasons but it honestly just stinks so bad. I’m really just getting tired of smelling so bad.
Is that a good enough reason to quit? Of course not. There’s gum and air fresheners and incense and all kinds of other nice smelly things to counteract the disgusting order of cigarette smoke. (we love excuses)
But then this happened…
New Year’s Eve was party time at my friend’s house. Most of us smoke and I have to say, it’s really hard to be around a bunch of smokers if you’re even just thinking about trying to quit. (we love excuses)
I went armed with a full pack of cigarettes and my small stash of weed. I chose not to drink because I was driving. That all went to hell after midnite when we got down to the local bar and started slamming back tequila shots. Needless to say, my bike stayed parked overnight at my friend’s house and I grabbed a Tuk Tuk home.
We partied hard all night. I didn’t get home until almost 2 am. I looked in my cigarette pack and had 5 left. Ugh. I had smoked almost that whole pack in a very short amount of time. Bad Iva, bad.
The next morning I woke up and thought I was dying. I had the worst hangover ever. But it wasn’t from the tequila. Nope, not this time. It was from smoking my fucking face off. My chest hurt, my lungs were screaming, my throat was raw.
It was all just the most sickening feeling ever. I was disgusted with myself.
I then had to walk into town and pick up my bike. Every step was killing me. My lungs continued to scream at me. I.just.couldn’t.fucking.breathe.
Iva. Girl. This is bad. It was really bad. It got me thinking and thinking hard. Can we finally pack it in? Can we finally just say no to smoking? Or do you want to have your first heart attack and then make the decision? It’s up to you really.
What will it take? When will this madness stop? And of course, like a reasonable addict, I started justifying this. Well you know you don’t smoke that much all the time. It was just one night. You don’t usually feel this bad in the morning. Maybe starting tomorrow just buy a few a day instead of a full pack. (we love excuses)
Yup. The excuses were endless. They all made perfect sense in my mind. I don’t have to quit. I’ll just cut down.
But how much longer am I going to keep justifying and making excuses? I mean, one day, I will have to quit for good. I don’t want to be a life time smoker. I really don’t. It will take its toll on me eventually, physically. There has to come a time when I put my foot down and say “ok, that’s enough now”.
So, I think my cigarette hangover did it for me this time. It’s late in the evening as I type this and my chest still hurts, my throat is still raw and my lungs still feel like they are in a vice grip.
I just might be done this time.
Anyway, in true addict fashion, I smoked the last of the pack of cigarettes. I had 5 left. They’re gone now and I’m left with my ecig. All good. I’m gonna give it another whirl.
Again and by the grace of God, we’re gonna do this quit smoking thing and I hope this time is the last time. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life writing “This is My Quit Smoking Journey Part 128”. Honestly, I don’t. It really makes you feel like a loser.
I’m tired. It’s exhausting. Mentally and physically. I’m not getting any younger. I can’t go on like this anymore.
So here’s to quitting smoking, one more time. If anyone reading this is on this same journey and needs or wants a quit buddy, hit me up! I’d be more than happy to go on this journey with someone else.
I love you. ❤
Peace and Love
xo iva xo