My friend and I left Guatemala on Thursday May 9th to pick up an RV on Saturday the 11th in Maryland, USA and drive it across to California. It’s now Tuesday the 15th and we’re still in Maryland.
In a hotel. In Frederick. Waiting.
What was supposed to be a 10 day leisure trip just might be a 4 day ‘let’s get this shit done’ trip. Our return flights to Guatemala are on the 20th of May. It will be tight, if we make it at all.
The waiting game
We got the call on Saturday that the RV was going to the shop on Monday. On Monday we got the call it may not be ready until Thursday or, quite possibly Friday. If the latter is the case, we’re fucked and we’ll be rebooking flights home.
On the flip side of that, if we can’t leave until Friday and have to rebook flights, at least we won’t be so rushed to get across the country.
So now we wait. In a hotel in Frederick, Maryland.
My dream come true.
When my friend invited me to go on this trip with him I jumped at the offer. It’s always been my dream to travel across the country in an RV. My country, Canada, not the USA, but I wasn’t going to turn it down because it was the wrong country.
I have to admit, after my mom’s passing in February and being shunned by half my family at her funeral, I’ve been in a horrible funk. I’m trying to focus but it’s hard.
I’m trying to move on with my life and be happy but that’s hard too. Part of me died when my mom died and my family ostracized me. It fucking hurts. All of it. I still haven’t completely come to terms with it.
I figure this trip will take my mind off of all this hurt. It was a chance to clear my head and refocus. I needed a holiday. An escape. This was my chance.
To be honest, it’s kinda working.
I have a laptop here so I’ve been doing some work. Not much, but some. I’m not into working right now. Besides, I’m on holidays.
I should do some writing for my new website. I have nothing to write about though and I have no desire.
We’ve ventured out a couple of times to get food. We have a full kitchen here so we bought enough shit to carry us through a few days. We’re comfortable, albeit slightly bored.
I wish I had weed.
I’m antsy at times but other times I feel like I could stay here forever, hiding away, never returning to the real world. I feel like I could live in Room 328 and never have human interaction again.
And I would be ok with that.
Human interaction, mainly with my family, has left me sad and empty. I feel little to nothing inside some days. I feel like I don’t belong to anything anymore.
I feel like I could probably die in Room 328 and no one would notice or care. Not my family anyway.
Room 328 is sucking the life out of me
It’s starting to suck the life out of me. The old life. The old Iva. The Iva who used to care about so much, too much, and never getting that care returned to her.
Room 328 has opened my eyes to reinventing myself as me, not anyone’s expectations of me. Just me. It’s helped me to slow down, hide, if you will, and take a good hard look at who I am and what I want.
I need to chill the fuck out. I need to take time to unplug and recharge.
I’ve created this freelance life because this is the life I so desperately wanted. I wanted freedom. But I am realizing now it’s not just freedom to travel, it’s freedom from the curses and the chains from years of emotional abuse and hidden truths.
The farther away I am from my life in Canada, the freer I feel.
I feel a liberation like none I’ve ever experienced before. The last time I felt close to this was when I left my abusive relationship 6 years ago and reinvented myself.
There seems to be a pattern here of reinventing Iva.
Room 328 has also given me an incredible level of patience. I’ve always had a lot but I find I’ve spent the last 4 days saying ‘it is what it is’ and though I’m certain my friend is starting to get irritated by me constantly saying that, I’m realizing I just don’t have the energy into getting angry or frustrated about the situation we’re in.
I’m happy here, hiding out from the real world, and just being with me.
I’m happy here.
I feel this is the emancipation of the iva I used to know and I’m not really caring so much about shit anymore these days. A new iva is emerging and I kinda like her.
Tomorrow is a new day
I hope we get the RV tomorrow. If we don’t, there’s nothing I can do about it. I may try to get some more work done. Or not. I may just lay in bed and watch movies all fucking day.
I don’t really know nor do I care. It is what it is.
I’m taking this trip and this life one day at a time now. I’m doing things that please iva. I’m letting go of the past, completely and fully and moving on with a newfound freedom.
I just wish I had weed.
I love you ❤
Peace and Love
xo iva xo