This past week has been a shitshow. It’s Thursday today and I’m slowly starting to feel like myself. Slowly. Finally.
It was one thing after another for me. The chaos just didn’t stop. I had nothing to smile or laugh about at all. I cried a lot. I tried to reach out to a couple of people to talk but that didn’t go so well.
People are busy. Right.? And besides, I really hate talking to people about my problems. The only person I can ever talk to is my son. And he was boarding a flight to Bangkok so…I was on my own.
My emotions were brutal. I woke up crying on Wednesday.
At one point I even started entertaining “those” thoughts. You know the ones I’m talking about. Anyone who has been depressed or really really sad knows which thoughts I mean.
Ya. Those ones. It’s not a pretty place to be. I needed someone to talk me off the ledge. But I didn’t want anyone to blow sunshine up my ass.
I wasn’t in the mood for that. Don’t tell me tomorrow is gonna be a better day. Maybe it will be, maybe it won’t. You don’t know that. I thought that Monday. “Tuesday is gonna be better iva”.
But it wasn’t.
“Wednesday is gonna be better iva”. It was worse. That was the day I had most of ‘those thoughts’. The whole fucking week was horrible and I sat on the ledge by myself and cried.
Is this depression?
Am I just sad? Is this what they call depression? I’m not really sure. I only can recall two events in my life when I was sure I was depressed. Once when I threw my husband out of the house and the second time when I left my last relationship.
I remember the feelings I had on both those occasions very well. I am no expert on depression. I know so little about it. Was I just really really sad?
Does it matter? Do we have to put a label on my sorrow and pain? If I don’t suffer depression then does that mean my sadness is minimal?
All I know is that the feelings were scary and numbing. I was a zombie for most of the day. I left the gym early, in tears, I cancelled Spanish class, I was smoking weed at 10 am, had a 2 hour nap at 1 and by 5 pm I realized I wasn’t going to get any work done so I locked myself in my room with Boo and binged on Vikings.
The optimistic cheerful bubbly iva was having a sad. Again. Why is this happening to me so much lately? What the fuck is going on with me?
I’m that girl
You know the one. We’ve talked about this before.
I’m the one who blows sunshine up your ass. I’m the one who tells you everything is temporary and don’t sweat the small stuff. Ya her.
I’m also the one who has really bad days. Sometimes they are so bad they are too overwhelming for me to handle. There are days I need someone too.
But I don’t want you to blow sunshine up at my ass. Don’t tell me things will be ok. I already fucking know that.
I just want someone to listen while I cry. I want someone to say “I’m sorry iva”.
But I didn’t have anyone today. And that, for me, was the worst part.
Please no sympathy
Don’t feel sorry for me. I could have tried a little harder to reach out to someone…but I didn’t.
My dear friend Jenny is a therapist and I could have reached out to her. I almost did. But decided against it. I wanted someone…but I didn’t.
I needed to spend time alone with my emotions. I wanted someone to lick my wounds and rub my back…but I didn’t.
I made some crazy temporary plans in my depressed state (mind if I call it that?). I was ready to give my dog away, pack a suitcase and just leave Guatemala. I was convinced this wasn’t the place for me.
But one very deep quote came to mind:
“Never make permanent decisions because of a temporary situation”.
I knew what I was feeling wasn’t going to last. I knew it was going to get better. Eventually.
Was I depressed or just sad? Does it even matter? I don’t think so. I think what matters the most is recognizing when you’re in a dark place that sometimes being alone really is the best therapy.
Nothing anyone could have said to me yesterday was going to make a difference. I knew that. It was just something I had to go through to help me see clearer.
And I did.
I saw that it’s ok to shut down, and cry, and be alone and not need or want anyone.
I realized that even though I’m not clinically depressed or suffer from mental issues, my pain still hurts and it’s still overwhelming and you don’t have to put a label on it.
It’s pain. Cut and dry. And it fucking sucks.
It will be better tomorrow
It’s tomorrow. And it’s better. I’ve revisited the plans I made in my sad state and though they are ridiculous, they are worth exploring more. I’m not giving my dog away. I’m not leaving Guatemala.
But I am going to travel and do some exploring. There are places I want to go visit. Maybe the next place will blow my mind. Who knows.
Am I running to chase happiness? I don’t know.
One very important thing I realized in my sad state was that I’m not chained to anyone or any place. I created this freelance life for myself so I can up and go whenever I want, wherever I want.
And I think going through my sad made me realize it might be time to pack my bag and start exploring.
Life is short and I’m not going to waste it curled up in a ball in the corner of my room wanting to die and crying because no one can help me. No one will ever be able to help me.
I’m not sure I even need help. I just need to live more.
There’s no inspirational message at the end of this like there normally is. I guess if I had to try to blow sunshine your way I’ll leave you with this:
Everything is temporary, even your troubles. ❤
I love you
Peace and Love
xo iva xo