I Want to Be A Lactation Consultant When I Grow Up

Yup. You read that right!

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So as a blogger, writer, online entrepreneur and personal development ‘guru’ (and I use that term loosely) I belong to a lot of Facebook groups where we all connect, engage, learn and grow.

It’s hard to keep up most days. Some groups I barely even poke my head in. It’s.just.too.much. There are a couple of groups that are my absolute favourites and 1 private one I belong to where you had to buy the course to get in.

The latter is a new group. I just joined today. The course I bought was a Google Analytics course or I like to call it Boggle My Fucking Mind course.

Anyway, so this course started today and we all introduced ourselves and shared our websites. Many mom bloggers, health coaches and then there was this lady.

She was a Lactation Consultant.


I had to read it twice to make sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me.

Nope. That’s what it said. That’s what she is.

Ok wait…lemme get this straight. You tell new moms when they are lactating? Or you show new moms how to breastfeed their babies? Or do you show moms how to clean their bras and clothes when they got milk all over them?

For the love of God, please tell me, what do you do? I’m so confused.

So of course, the curious creature I am, I had to Google this. How can this even be a thing?

This is what a lactation consultant is and does according to Google:

A lactation consultant is a health professional who specializes in the clinical management of breastfeeding.

The clinical management of breastfeeding? What the hell is that?

Colour me clueless on this one.

So then I had to find out how much a Lactation Consultant makes because I’m nosy like that. Are you sitting down for this one? Check this shit…

A hospital lactation consultant salary is generally similar to that of a clinical nurse specialist, according to the ILCA. The mean annual salary for registered nurses, including clinical nurse specialists, was $73,550 in May 2017, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS).


You get paid up to $74,000 to tell some new mom to stick the baby on the nipple and let it drink your milk?

You have got to be kidding me. Boy did I ever choose the wrong profession.

So I’ve decided that I’m gonna be a Lactation Consultant when I grow up. I think I’d make a damn good one. I’m pretty sure it would go down something like this:

Me: Hi Felicia, how are you and baby doing today?

Felicia: We’re good but Emily won’t stop crying.

Me: Did you feed her yet today?

Felicia: No.

Me: Sweetheart, lift your shirt, pull out your breast and stick your nipple in her mouth. Trust me. She’ll stop crying.

Felicia: Oh thank you so much Iva. I’m so glad I hired you as my private Lactation Consultant. I don’t know what I would do without you.

Me: 😁😵🤔🙄🤦‍♀️

Me: runs off to cash my ridiculous pay cheque and treat myself to dinner and some Fireball. 🏃‍♀️

I’m seriously shaking my head. How is this a thing?

So lemme tell ya, the women down here in Guatemala only breastfeed, ever. There are babies hanging off of breasts everywhere you look. It’s just a thing here and I’m pretty sure there are no Lactation Consultants here.

Breastfeeding babies has been around since the beginning of time. How is it that we now need someone to tell new moms how to do it? When did feeding your baby become so complicated that you actually need a specialist to walk you through it, stay with you through it and support you along the way?

I just don’t get it.

Anyway, if anyone needs a Lactation Consultant, look me up. I’ll be more than happy to help you 😉

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( I sure hope there aren’t any Lactation Consultants reading this right now or I’m gonna have rotten tomatoes thrown at me-lighten up girls-it’s all in good fun)

Peace and Love

xo iva xo

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