I Think Mom Would Be Proud But I Really Wish She Would Hurry Up and Die
Don’t hate me. I’m not an evil or ungrateful daughter. There’s a damn good reason I want my mom to die. I’ll tell ya in a minute, but first…this.
Mom was an active figure in the Catholic church. Very active. Choir member. Catholic Women’s League, Lay Minister, church committee. You name it, mom was there. If it had anything to do with God or Jesus Christ, you can be sure her name was attached to it somehow.
Mom was also very charitable and did lots of nice things for people. When mom was outside of the house, she was a model citizen and a very devout Catholic. Behind closed doors? Well that was an entirely different story. You can read more about that here (really you need to read it to understand).
It’s Ok Mom, I Forgive You.
And here it is, Mother’s Day is fast approaching. One of the few celebrations of the year I don’t look forward to…
Up until I finally left the house at 18 yrs old I was beat regularly whether I needed it or not. Mostly by dad, but mom was a pretty active participant as well. Anyway without going into detail (see above) life was less than wonderful.
For some reason, I was the one of 2 of the 4 daughters who regularly attended church with her. I did readings, I passed on the whole choir thing though, I helped out at teas, sometimes she would get me to say grace before dinner. That sort of thing. I think mom knew that I had this God like spirit in me or something.
I dunno. No clue.
As we all grew up and had little families of our own, mom became Mary Fucking Poppins. Too late? Meh. It was a welcome change from the cold heartless person we had when we were younger.
About 10 yrs ago or so, we put her in a nursing home. She was starting mild Alzheimers at home but one too many seizures finally kicked her in the ass and she was toast. A shell of a person. A blubbering lifeless mindless zombie. She was 67 yrs old.
There was no talking, no engagement, nothing. She stared off blankly, mumbling nothing, in her wheelchair, in her diaper being spoon fed pureed mush.
Karma? Who knows?
I stopped visiting her years ago ( I mean independent of the fact that I don’t live in Canada anymore anyway and haven’t for almost 3 yrs)There was nothing to see. And besides, the temptation to put a pillow over her head was getting too strong.
But every now and then I stop to wonder if she would be proud of me down here in Guatemala, feeding hungry bellies and trying to wipe out malnutrition. Would she be singing my name of praise to anyone who would listen? Would she come and visit and try to help too?
My life has changed so much in the last 5 years, I wonder what she would say or how she would feel about my life now. There are times when I really wish she was still the mom I had before Alzheimers hit. You know, that Mary Poppins chick.
I know my mom would be on an iPad or laptop googling shit and wanting to Skype all the time. She was a very smart lady and educated herself. She was very much into world news and current events and all that stuff. She stayed on top of shit. I really think she would be super proud of me.
I know in this post below I talked about how I could not care less if she and my dad would have been proud of me or not, but honestly, I think a teeny tiny part of me wanted that so desperately.
I Got an Email From Medium and it Made Me Cry.
Before I share my story with you, you should know one thing about me. I’m an emotional basket case on a good day. All…
Anyway now mom is just a skeleton, in a wheelchair, taking up space and oxygen. Mom should have died 10 yrs ago. Why they keep people like her alive is beyond me. They put down dogs and cats and horses but “do their best to maintain high standards and quality of life to the residents of the nursing home”.
Fuck off. Just stick a needle in her ass and let her go to sleep already. She’s dead. She has been for almost 10 yrs. There are other people who are in desperate need of her room. Trust me. You won’t lose any money here.
So, ya, I’m pretty sure my mom would be proud of me, finally. But honestly, I wish she would just die. She’s had no life for 10 years. Isn’t that long enough?
Though this isn’t one of my usual inspirational pieces, I wanted to share this story with you because I was thinking about it the other day. A lot. How I kinda miss her. And I love to share my life and stories with you.
I think if I did have to close with an inspirational message it would be this: If you have a great mom, I mean a really really great mom who’s still alive and active and healthy and all that, go love her up, lots.
Peace and Love
xo iva xo