My heart hurts. I have been sitting with this pain for a few months now. I was hoping it would lessen in time but the opposite is happening. It’s growing heavier. It’s crushing my soul and I’m so done with it. I need it to end. I pray for it to end.
If you have read any of my stories, you know I’m a huge advocate of forgiveness and writing open letters to anyone who has ever hurt you. It really is great therapy. The ones I have shared with you are not only good for me but I do it in hopes that it helps and inspires you to do the same.
Like this one: (this one is from a guest blogger on my site)
and this one (addressed to me):
Dear Me, Fuck You.
I hit a low point recently and felt like I was being swallowed up by defeat, shame and worthlessness. I’ve been here…
and this one :
An Open Letter to All Who Have Hurt Me.
This is raw, real and necessary. This is the kind of shit you need to do when it’s time to dump toxic energy that has…
So many of us live with pain that we don’t deserve. It’s pain that needs to be released. Freedom from that pain comes in the form of forgiveness. I see no other way.
This open letter goes out to one person. She’ll never see this, she’ll never read it. No one will even know who I’m even talking about. It doesn’t matter. I’m not doing this for anyone but me.
This is my fucking pain and my therapy. It works for me.
Without further ado….
I don’t know what I did this time. I’ve thought about it for months. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out what exactly I could have possibly done to warrant this abandonment. I’ve come up short.
It doesn’t matter anymore. I may never know the reason. I’m not sure I even care. Part of me does and part of me says ‘I’m just so tired’. I’m so tired of guessing and wondering if this will be the day I hear from you. Or maybe tomorrow. Every day I go through this mental torment.
Will I get a message from you today? Or tomorrow? Will I ever hear from you again? So much time has passed by now I think it’s just over.
I reached out twice, both times I got nothing back. I’m so done.
My birthday came and went without a greeting as did Christmas and New Year’s. Oh I know, you’re probably so busy with your family. Me being out of sight well I guess I’m out of mind too then.
But it’s not fine. I’m alone here. I have no family. I’m not saying that for pity or attention. But. I’m alone here. And it’s nice to hear from family back home. Even if it’s just a simple ‘hope you’re well’. Anything just to let me know you’re thinking about me.
Obviously you aren’t. That’s fine.
But it’s not fine. The disconnect is firmly in place. And it hurts my heart. All my life I looked up to you, almost idolized you. You were always there for me no matter what. Without judgment. With nothing but care, concern and love.
Do you think about me at all? Ever? Does it ever cross your mind to reach out to me? Or are you so mad at me that you never want to speak to me again? I can’t imagine I did something so terrible that that’s the result. I know I’m not perfect but I’m pretty sure I’m not Satan either.
Whatever. Days will pass, weeks will go by, maybe even months and I sincerely hope that this pain will diminish with time.
But for now I just feel it’s all over. All I have left are the memories of the good times, the bad times and everything in between.
That’s fine. I’ll hang on to those memories and continue to wonder what I did wrong. Why you won’t call me, text me, anything. But I won’t let it torment me anymore. I’m pretty much done with this.
I want you to know that it hurts though. I don’t know if you are hurting too. You won’t tell me. I hurt. I already feel disconnected from all my friends and family back home. This just makes it worse.
I feel empty and abandoned. I feel sad and frustrated. I feel angry and helpless. You know how sensitive I am. Everyone knows. I guess you don’t care. Or, you’re just so pissed that you’ll never care again.
Anyway I’m done.
The only way for me to get over this is to deal with it. Write it out. And release it. Release you.
Whatever I did, I’m sorry. I forgive you. I love you. Goodbye.
Peace and Love
xo iva xo