A few days before my mother died my sister was at the nursing home with her and asked if I wanted to see mom. I kinda did and I kinda didn’t. I haven’t seen my mom in over 2 years.
Last time I saw her was when I had to go to Canada for a family emergency. She looked like a zombie but not quite death warmed over. She still had a little colour in her face and some meat on her bones.
Mom was a beautiful lady. She had an amazing smile and such a wonderful and friendly disposition. Everyone loved and respected her. She just made everyone feel welcomed. All the time.
When Alzheimers hit her in her early 60’s we had no idea what to expect in the coming months and years. I had seen some people with Alzheimers, not many mind you, but some. They seemed healthy physically, they just lost all their marbles.
I guess I was expecting the same from mom.
It didn’t happen like that for her. It was so much worse than I had ever imagined.
Getting back to the few days before my mom died…
“Do you want to see her”? my sister asked.
I had to think about it for a a bit. Do I? I had no idea what she looked like anymore. It would be my chance to see her before she died.
“Sure”. That’s all I could muster.
And there she was. I was shocked and horrified. This is a joke right? That’s not my mom.
She already looked dead. She was barely hanging on. Can’t someone just put a pillow over her head for fuck sake? What’s the point of her existing like this?
I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t even cry. I sat in shock and horror.
I told my sister to please turn the camera around. I had seen enough.
The day of ‘the call’
Then the day came I got the call. We were all waiting for it to come. We knew it was going to be soon. A few days after I saw my mom barely breathing, barely alive, the call came.
My sister asked once again “Do you want to see her”?
But it was different this time. This time she was really dead. A day we had been waiting for for years had finally arrived.
“Sure” I replied again.
She didn’t look any different than she did 3 days prior except this time there was no life. She was finally dead.
Am I supposed to say something to her now? Do I tell her I’m sorry she had to suffer needlessly for over 15 years like this?
Do I tell her I’m sorry we couldn’t have stopped this sooner. Put an end to this madness sooner?
Do I tell her I’m sorry I didn’t visit her very much when I was still in Canada.
What do I tell her now? Rest in peace mom you had a good life? Is that the proper thing to say to your dead mother who you are FaceTiming with?
I knew there were other people in the room. My 3 sisters and a couple of aunts and I think my uncles were there too.
Do I pour my heart out to her now while everyone stands by and listens?
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say a word. My mouth opened but nothing came out.
I moved the mic away from my face and whispered to her “Good bye mom. I’m sorry and I love you. See you on the other side”.
Seeing my mom dead, via a cell phone camera was probably the most numbing thing I have ever experienced in my life. I couldn’t touch her face, I couldn’t hold her hand. I couldn’t whisper I love you in her ear and kiss her forehead.
I felt like I was in a really bad scene from a sad movie. It was just so surreal.
Was I glad that I did Face Time my dead mother? Honestly. I don’t know. How would I have felt if I didn’t see her? Would I have been angry with myself for not saying good bye to her, even though it was through a cell phone video?
To be honest, part of me is glad I did, another part of me would rather have not done that. What I saw was a zombie. Not my mom. That image will forever burn through my mind.
That’s not how I want to remember my mom.
I am trying to go back more than 15 years when she was still able bodied and smiling. I’m trying to picture her cooking dinner and laughing. I’m trying to picture her in her happy times.
I’m trying to remember the happy times. I’m trying erase the image of my mom, in her lifeless state, looking like a zombie.
And it’s not easy.
Peace and Love
xo iva xo