I ain’t gonna lie. I.fucking.hate.critters. Ok so what the hell am I doing living in Guatemala then right? To be honest, the one critter I hate the most in the whole wide world doesn’t exist down here. If it does, I have yet to come across one. The earwig! Ugh. (just typing out that names makes me squirm)
So anyway, ya, we got lots of critters here. When I lived in the Treehouse the first year I was here I had tons of scorpions in my apartment. Excuse me, anyone, can we just burn the house down now please?
Scorpions and spiders. Now spiders don’t really bother me. In the apartment I have now there are a few here and there. I’m gonna start naming them I think. They’ve moved in. This is their home now too. 🕷🕷🕷
There are a few creepy crawly things down here that make me stop and look and mutter “what the fuck are you?” During rainy season we have June bugs. Well in Canada that’s what we call them. They got some funky name for them here and these guys are mutant, loud, gross and ugly.
I’ve had to smash a few of them poor bastards and it’s not pretty.
And then there’s this guy. The centipede. I can’t even. 😵He’s so fucking ugly they can’t even create an emoji for him.
For some reason, those ugly little bastards seem to run rampant here in my apartment building. No clue why. I’ve already had about 5 in my place. Just.make.it.stop.
So normally when I see one, I grab my Super Size can of bug spray and annihilate it. These guys are tough lemme tell you. If I recall correctly with the last guy, I’m pretty sure I had my finger on the spray nozzle for almost a minute before that fucker finally dropped dead.
Geezus H, die already dude.
So today, in my bathroom that happens to be in my bedroom, low and behold, waaaaay up near the ceiling is a centipede. And why are they always way up high on the wall or ceiling? Why can’t they crawl around in low places like the rest of the bugs? Do they think the floor is lava? I dunno.
Here we go. Time to kill.
And then I remember, I emptied the can of bug spray on his brother last month. Oh shit. Let the scrambling begin.
So I’m frantically looking around for something to spray this fucker with. I got nothing. I’m not doing the smashing him with the shoe thing because if I miss he’s gonna come flying at me like a scene from a really bad horror movie. You know what I’m talking about here.
I remember I have two cans of air freshener and some hairspray but he is definitely NOT getting my hairspray. It’s liquid gold for me. Grab can of air freshener #1 and back to the bathroom I go.
One thing I forgot about these fragrant aerosol cans is that spray pressure isn’t meant to kill bugs, it’s to freshen your room which means, it’s non existent. So after unloading half a can on him I now realize all I have is an apple cinnamon smelling centipede that is very much still alive.
Probably a little high, but not dead.
He’s moved around a little and now sits right above the door frame. Great. I don’t know what the fuck he’s doing. I don’t want to go in there now in case he just so happens to drop dead, on my head. That’s a whole lot of fuck that shit.
So I go back to work on the comp for a bit in hopes that he’ll just die on his own, kinda, eventually. While I’m at the comp I decide to Google centipedes to see if they bite. I may have to resort to extreme measures if this guy doesn’t die soon.
This is what I find:
Do Centipedes Bite?
If handled roughly, some larger species can inflict a painful bite that can break human skin and cause pain and swelling, similar to a bee sting. The large Scolopendra can inflict a very painful bite and should be handled with great care.
Ok, take a look at that first line please and tell me it’s not just me… “if handled roughly”. What? What exactly is rough handling on a 2" creepy thing with 100 legs?
Colour me clueless on this one.
So clearly, if I don’t try any MMA moves on him, surely he won’t bite me. Ok, good to know. I go back and see how’s he doing and if he’s moved.
Yup he moved alright. (justfuckingdiealreadyforfucksake) But at least I can reach him now. Frantically looking around now, I have a spray bottle with water and magnesium in it. That should do the trick. I’ll power salt the fucker to death (or drown him anyway).
Finally success as I unload half a bottle of this toxic mixture on him and he falls to the ground. Oh he’s done this time. And now he’s safe to scoop up in half a roll of paper towels (you know, in case he miraculously comes back to life he can’t bite me because of rough handling).
And into the garbage can he goes. And then that garbage bag immediately gets tossed right the fuck out the door in case, you know, he comes back to life and seeks revenge.
So there ya have it folks. Next time you need to annihilate a centipede or any critter for that matter, make him smell pretty first, keep an eye on him because he’s really stoned, and then take him over with a deathly mixture of water and magnesium.
Peace and Love
xo iva xo