I moved to a new town and fell in love. I mean, doesn’t that happen to everyone? I imagine it does. I fell in love, true love, and I fell hard. Really fucking hard.
Days weeks and months went by and I fell deeper and deeper. My thoughts, most of the thoughts I had were consumed with this love. I went to bed and thought about it, it was on my mind first thing in the morning. Little did I know then, the grief that was sure to follow.
Yup, I fell hard.
It was true love and it was so fucking beautiful.
You couldn’t help but see the beauty. SO much beauty. It almost intoxicated me, or maybe it did. Maybe I was love drunk by the beauty. I couldn’t help but feel almost an infatuation, a burning desire, an addiction if you will. I didn’t want to be without this. I couldn’t ever imagine my life without it.
I was obsessed, clearly. Was it an unhealthy obsession? Probably. To be that consumed by beauty can’t be good. This had to be true love.
Stop my mind.
Why couldn’t I think of other things? Why couldn’t I just be happy with my life and what I already have? Why did I need more and have to have this love? Why couldn’t I just stop thinking about it and leave it be? I knew I was starting an unhealthy relationship and it had already proven to be completely unhealthy, but I ignored the red flags.
This love is mine and will be mine forever. I just know. I figured if I kept this relationship and all these thoughts of love and possession on my mind all the time then surely it will be mine one day, no? Isn’t that how shit works? You know the Law of Attraction shit? I mean there was most definitely an attraction there and it was mutual, oh how it was mutual.
I felt it all the time. The love I got back in return had to be true love, right?
Another shot please.
I was slipping, slowly slipping, into a vortex of self medication. I couldn’t handle the torment I was inflicting on myself anymore and I didn’t know how to handle it. Maybe I should just let this love go. Maybe it’s time to leave it, end it, walk away from it. Not all love is true love Iva, some love is harmful. Clearly.
Another shot of tequila please Cesar. Hell, just make that two more. Another nite out with friends. Another nite out without friends. I didn’t even need company to go out with anymore, I just needed to numb the pain this love was causing.
So I did. And I fell into a quiet depression and complete state of unhealthy stress that no one knew about. Even I didn’t see it was happening. No clue. Why does love hurt so much? I should know better, right?
Another red flag?
Why was this love so hard? Why does it keep pushing me away and further and further back? I know you love me back dammit! I can fucking feel it. Why are you pushing me away and making this so fucking hard? I don’t understand. It’s supposed to happen. Every ebook I read and every Abraham Hicks Rampage I listened to said this love is the right one!
You keep building walls and closing doors and I keep kicking them down. You are mine dammit. Why can’t you see that? Our love is true love! I know it!
But…why do I feel so heavy all the time? Why am I not well? Why am I drinking so much? What’s the matter Iva? I thought love was supposed to make you happy and cheery and bubbly and all that glowing mushy love stuff people feel when they are head over heels in love. Why don’t you feel any of that Iva?
Boom! And then there was none. And the sadness kicked in fucking hard!!!
And suddenly, in a blink of an eye, my whole life changed and my whole world came down around me. My love was taken away from me. My love was gone. Ripped out from underneath me with no warning, no signs, nothing. Just pulled. Just like that. It was gone. And I was devastated. Completely and utterly fucking torn apart and devastated. The pain and grief I felt was unlike anything I have ever felt in my life. Ever. It was shocking, debilitating, crippling and left me powerless and empty.
And for a split second, in all that grief, I felt relief. Relief that it was over. For almost 8 months I was sucked into this vortex of completely unhealthy love, littered with red flags that I continuously ignored because this love consumed ALL of me. I couldn’t see the bad for the rose coloured glasses I wore. I couldn’t see how I was hurting myself. I couldn’t see any of the negative. Not one shred of it.
We’re gonna be ok.
So many of my friends and family felt my pain and grief. They knew how deeply I was in love. They felt my pain alright. And everyone offered sweet words of *it’s going to be ok Iva*. I knew that. I didn’t see it immediately. I cursed Abraham Hicks and yelled at God and the Universe. What the fuck you guys? What’s up with this? Why are you doing this to me? I felt this love with every ounce of the blood that runs through my veins. Why are you doing this to me???
But I knew why. When my true love was gone and there was no hope left, I felt free. I felt almost alive again. I was light and happy and relieved and relaxed and chipper Iva again. The Universe knew exactly what it was doing. It was freeing me, unchaining me, helping me to live a life of joy again.
I will always keep that love deep in my heart as a part of my life that was so beautiful, even though it was hurting me deep down inside, there was still so much beauty to it. SO much beauty and love and I am totally blessed to have had that much love in my heart for……
Bartender, let’s have a shot in celebration of my new life por favor.
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My true love-The Treehouse of Hope
This blog is in memory of The Treehouse of Hope, the apartment building I lived in when I first moved to Guatemala. I had big beautiful dreams to buy it and turn it into a volunteer sanctuary. I will miss it with all my heart but I can look back now and see how it was tearing me apart. I look forward to new adventures and to see what the Universe has in store for me. I share this story with you now, like this, so you can see that red flags are there for a reason, no matter what you are going through. Pay attention to them.
Peace and Love
Originally published at amazingmemovement.com on June 11, 2018.