My whole life I’ve been surrounded by control freaks and bullies. My mom, ex boyfriends, bosses, sisters. Yup, my whole life. I’m sure I’m not the only one. We’ve all had to deal with one or two control freaks and the odd bully at some point in our lives.
But being bullied is damaging. More so than people realize.
Being bullied is devastating. For real.
But the point of this blog isn’t to bitch about all the controlling and bullying I let happen to me, it’s actually about how I let someone bully me to the point where I actually considered taking my own life. It’s about how I let someone control me.
There. I said it. I gave them the power to bully and control me and paid a very high price for it.
Once upon a time…
…there was a broken girl who was desperate to be loved, appreciated, adored and wanted. She would do just about anything to get all this attention from a man. Many times, she would sacrifice her self worth for any or all of these things.
The last man who claimed to love her SO much gave her all those things but it all came with a high price tag. A price tag she knew she couldn’t afford but she paid it anyway.
He gave her love, told her he adored her, even put her up on a pedestal every now and then. There were days, she felt like a Queen. He bought her lavish things, took her on trips, even bought her a car.
Yes, life was good, kinda.
Until this happened….
When the first sign of control reared it’s ugly head I ignored it. Why wouldn’t I? I finally found someone who will put up with me (I know, just typing that sounds pathetic), treats me like a *Queen* (on a good day), is lavishing me with gifts and love (mostly after a big fight or he did something really mean to me) and really, for the most part, life isn’t THAT bad. I was being bullied and I just let it go.
What price did I pay for this?
A smidgen of my self worth
A wee bit of self respect
See? Not much at all. And I carried on with this man who claimed to adore me. Oh how he adored me.
Then the stakes got higher and the bullying got worse.
Weeks, months and years go by. The price of control and being bullied has reached a dangerous all time high. I’m not sure what to do anymore. Every day I’m not so sure I can really afford to pay anymore. I was bullied on a daily basis.
My heart and soul are battered and beaten. I’ve already paid with all my self worth, self confidence, self love, you name the selfs, I’ve paid them out. This control bullshit, I’m starting to realize, is really fucking expensive and I’m flat broke.
My heart is completely bankrupt. My soul is empty. I’m done. I can’t pay anymore. I am now just numb. A zombie. A *yes sir* zombie. I’m there now. Broke and broken.
And it hurts. It’s so dark and lifeless and painful. I’m a broken and broke shell of a woman.
There were many nights I laid in bed crying and scared. Should I just swallow some pills and end it all? I can’t live like this. I can’t live with him. I can’t live without him.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m nothing. I’m dead inside. What does the future hold for me? A life time of this? To be nothing? Belittled and bullied day in and day out. To be someone’s verbal punching bag. A source of entertainment for him?
…and then one day, it just happened. There was nothing left, yet I could still catch a teeny tiny glimpse of pride. Oh it was so tiny but I knew, with what was left of my heart, that little flicker was my tiny pilot light of pride. My pilot light of faith and determination.
I was just so tired of it all.
The teeny little light of hope. It was flickering. I could see it, barely, but dammit I knew it was there.
And it was time for me to turn on MY control and take back my life. It was my turn to stop allowing someone else to control my life. And I was scared. Shitless. Senseless. But not hopeless. I had a little bit of that left.
After almost 8 years, I walked out. And never looked back. Not once.
I’ve filled my *self bank* account back up again and though it did take awhile, it didn’t come without tears, frustration, anger and sorrow. It came with all that and then some but the bank is full. Again. The *self bank* is now overflowing with riches, never to be bankrupt again.
It’s your life.
Are you there? Does any of this resonate with you? Are my words cutting and digging deep?
Take back your life. Just do it. You will not know the joy and freedom of peace and happiness until you do. I never dreamed in a million years that I could ever leave him and live a life of joy, but I did and I’m living that life now.
You can too.
Teller, I’d like to make another deposit to the *love* account please ?
Peace and Love
xo iva xo