Just writing out that title almost embarrasses me. The girl who is all about spreading sunshine and love and hope and peace and bla bla bla….yup, she’s an addict.
The girl who wants to save the world and wants everyone to be happy and full of love and inner peace is an addict.
It’s disgusting to be honest. I do my best to be healthy emotionally, spiritually and physically yet I suffer with an addiction. And lemme tell ya, being an addict fucking sucks hard monkey balls. I hate it with every ounce of me.
Being an addict is no joke. No matter what your addiction is. The ironic part of this is that I don’t really have an addictive personality. Or do I?
There was a time when I was in my late teen years I was addicted to prescription pain pills, but then I grew out of that right quick.
Then in my early 30’s I was smoking more weed than I probably should have been, daily, but then I grew out of that right quick too.
Can’t say I ever drank to the point I risked becoming an alcoholic. I mean I drank a fuck of a lot when I worked in bars in my earlier days but that’s just what you did then. I grew out of that too.
Then there was the time, not so long ago, my stress, and life, was spiraling out of control and I was strung out on cocaine almost every weekend. Oddly enough, I grew out of that one too!!
I definitely had a sugar addiction but since I revamped my diet a month ago and sugar is no longer served at this house (though to be honest, I’d cut off my left arm for a chocolate glazed donut). This one is a bit of a toughie for me but I’m doing it!
See? I don’t really have an addictive personality because I can just stop things without batting an eyelash and never look back. How bizarre.
But then there’s this one disgusting fucking addiction I have that I swear to God will NOT be the death of me (or maybe it will, who knows).
I’m a smoker.
Not a chain smoker, but I smoke. I’ve battled this addiction for over 40 years now. Quit for two years, start again, quit for 3 years, start again, quit for 1 year, ya you get the idea. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s brutal. And it isn’t anything I wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy (and I think I only have one of those anyway).
Smoking is listed as one of the top 5 worst addictions. Right after Heroine, Alcohol and Cocaine. It’s no fucking joke.
I will only speak for myself here with this addiction, these are my thoughts and feelings.
The way I smell disgusts me. I can’t stand the way my hair stinks all the time (and the 25+yr hairstylist in me is pretty vain about her hair). I know my breath stinks, it even grosses me out sometimes.
I hate the way I run out of breath so quickly these days when I’m out for a walk and have a small hill to climb. I really fucking hate that. Especially since that one time I quit for 3 years I was actually into bodybuilding. I was in the best shape of my life.
I hate the way I feel if I leave the house and forget my cigarettes at home. Then panic sets in and I have to buy more, quickly!
I hate knowing I’m an outcast and people are disgusted by the way I smell. I hate the way my skin is starting to look. I hate how this addiction controls me with such power and force that it’s crippling.
I think about this stupid addiction all the time. These are some of the thoughts in the day of a life of an addict…
How many cigarettes should I smoke today? Maybe today will be the day I actually try to cut back. If I only have 6 in my pack now should I go to the store and buy more or will this be enough until tomorrow? My God I fucking stink right now. I wonder if tomorrow might be a good day to quit? Nah, I’m not ready, maybe I’ll put it in a planner and pencil a reasonable quit date in. I wonder how long I can push back my first cigarette of the day tomorrow. I wonder if my lungs will ever get healthy again at my age or is it too late? Maybe I’ll just never succeed at quitting and I will die a fucking smoker. I wonder if I’ll ever quit. Oh fuck did I just accidentally burn someone with my cigarette? I’m glad my kid doesn’t smoke. It probably makes him sad that I smoke. What if they find me dead of a heart attack only after I’ve been rotting away in my apartment for a week? I wonder if Tuesday might be a better day than Monday.
These thoughts go through my head every single goddamn day. This addiction controls every part of my life. You can’t even imagine the turmoil.
So as I write this, it’s Sunday evening, July 22nd, 9:09 pm and I’ve decided tomorrow is the day. I have no more cigarettes. I smoked my last one right after dinner (mmmm the best cigarette of the day, pathetic right?) I’m not going to stress over this quit. If I succeed yay me!! If I don’t, I’ll just keep fucking trying until one of two things happens: 1) I’ll actually succeed or 2) I’ll have fucking heart attack and die. I’m not too keen on the latter.
The life of an addict is hard, no matter what your addiction is. Your addiction controls you, every single part of you. Oh and please don’t start with the “it’s all in your mind and your mind can control it or you have control over your mind” and all that other fucking bullshit. An addict’s brain doesn’t compute that shit. Trust me. It’s devastating. And ridiculous.
Anyway, here’s to me kicking this sickening addiction to the curb, God help me. Here’s to quit #384,083!
Peace and Love
xo iva xo