I’m craving you today. I hate this. I hate you. I hate that you have such a grip on my life. Such a strong hold on me, so much power over me. It’s fucking pathetic. Some days you come to me like a storm, others a gentle breeze.
I wonder if our relationship will ever be truly over. I wonder if one day you will just leave on your accord. Walk away quietly, without a fight, knowing you’ve completed your time with me.
I wonder if I will die being addicted to you. I hope not. Some days I’m afraid that will be the case. It’s frustrating, saddening and exhausting. You’re like a toxic ex boyfriend who just won’t go away. Sucking the life out of me and making sure I am miserable every fucking day. Making sure that I don’t move on with my life. Killing me slowly.
I left you 21 days ago. I was sure I was free of you. I honestly didn’t put too much faith into leaving you like I have so many times before. I just let you go and walked away. I felt good. I felt free. It was an amazing feeling.
I even wrote you a good bye letter. Didn’t you receive it? Did you read it? Didn’t you understand it?
Since I left you, I’ve been doing really well too. I haven’t thought much about you at all to be honest.
Until last week…
You talked me into loving you, wanting you for a couple of days but I was in pain and you understood my pain. You saw my pain and snuck up behind me like a stealth lion zoning in on its prey.
But you knew I was weak. You saw and felt my pain. Only you can understand my pain.
You took care of it for me, comforted me, got me through it, wrapped me in love. Thank you. Fuck you.
You’ve been comforting my pain.
But my pain is gone now and I don’t really need you right now. Why do you keep visiting me? Why do you keep knocking on my door. I told you yesterday I don’t need you anymore and you’re not welcome.
Why can’t you take no for an answer!?
You were very smooth today though. You whispered softly in my ear. Iva, I love you, I miss you, please just one more day.
I argued with you. Begged and pleaded with you to please leave me alone. I don’t need you! I need you to stop visiting me.
I tried to explain to you the relationship was over. I told you there are other people who love you and want you. I’m not one of those people anymore.
I tried to explain to you that I can’t keep seeing you. It’s not good for me. I need to take care of myself without you. I’m trying to be strong. Be a good girl!
I’m trying to learn how to deal with my days without you. I’m trying to learn how to get through each day without a crutch.
I need you to work with me now. I need you to understand that it’s time for you to move on without me.
I need you to understand that you’ve been doing nothing but hurting me all these years and it needs to stop.
I need you to understand that you’re no good for me. Our relationship is toxic. You are toxic. More than you know. More than you care to know.
So please addiction, please, leave me alone. I can’t do this anymore. I’m so tired. I’m.just.so.fucking.tired of fighting with you all the time.
Today, I’m begging you, please.just.stop.
Peace and Love
xo iva xo