The hostage situation is in full swing here in Guatemala at Casa D’iva. It started Tuesday night just before bed and has been going strong ever since.
I always wanted to type out “Day x of the Hostage Situation”. It sounds so intense. There is no hostage situation here. Or is there?
Actually, yes, there is a hostage situation in full swing here and it’s more dangerous than I thought it would be. It all goes back to this post here:
The day had come when I realized I was done smoking cigarettes. That day was more terrifying than other ‘quit smoking’ days I’ve ever experienced. Why? Because I felt like I was dying the day after new year’s eve. Read the above article for more info.
So the day after, I put my foot down and told head we’re done smoking. I told mouth, no more cigarettes, I told lungs, you can finally relax now and I told nose things were gonna smell sweeter. I told them all we were done.
It was almost an easy decision to make due to the disgusting cigarette hangover I was suffering that day.
Oh shit wait, I promised graphic images…one sec..
Anyway where was I? Oh ya the hostage situation.
Day 1 was relatively ok.
My lungs were still recuperating so head didn’t really have too much to argue about. Oh it argued, just not that much. After dinner was the worst really. Head said, ‘get your shoes on and go buy some cigarettes’. Lungs said, ‘fuck you and settle down over there. We ain’t going anywhere tonight’.
Head knew it lost that battle but I could sense it was stirring up more trouble for the next day. And I was right.
Nose felt sick all night because it could still smell the faint leftover disgusting odor of cigarette smoke. It was a rough nite. Head kept telling me the next day we were going to buy smokes. Lungs were still trying to catch some air.
Day 2 of the hostage situation
Day 2 was rough, no question about it. I’m scared. It’s only day 2 and we’re having a really hard time. Morning coffee was not the same, head was shouting at me, lungs were crying, heart was sad. It was a fucking nightmare.
I kept myself as busy as I possibly could. Write, create, engage and share on social media. Girl do whatever the fuck you have to do to shut head up. It was constant battling.
“Get dressed and go buy cigarettes”, head hissed. All day, every chance it could get. I got up from the chair and tried to get motivated to get dressed and go out.
It never happened. It’s 7:27 pm as I type this. I’m still in my jammies, hair still a mess, never even brushed my teeth or washed my face yet ( I promise I will before bed, don’t judge) and I won this battle. Today.
But it was tough.
The life of an addict is a tough one. You are in hostage situations all the time. Your mind tries to control you and tell you what to do, when to do it and warns you, you better fucking do it now.
Oh wait…time for another graphic image….one sec…..
It’s exhausting and I promise I’m not looking for sympathy. I am well aware that I put myself in this position. I chose to start smoking some 40 odd years ago. Sympathy? No. Support? Sure!
This is a battle many addicts go through over and over again. We start, we stop, we start, we stop, rinse and repeat. It seems to never end. The hostage situation goes on for the rest of our lives.
We’re never safe. We are always one puff or one drink or one snort away from being a full blown addict again. It’s frustrating, it’s painful and it’s emotionally draining.
But I will soldier on here. I will eventually have to get dressed and go out and buy food and stuff but I will pass the stores and not buy cigarettes. I will wake up in the morning and promise myself ‘not today’.
Addicts take life one craving, one hour, one day at a time. We work our ass off to control the hostage situation that’s going on in our minds. Today, I succeeded. I am optimistic that tomorrow I will too.
But that’s how I feel right now. Tomorrow could very well host a whole slew of other challenges. No one knows. Triggers come from nowhere and often from nothing. You could be tripping along all happy and feeling good and then whammo. You’re off to get your fix.
It happens just like that. That fast. Sometimes no warning. Sometimes we talk ourselves into it and say ‘just one’. You’ll be fine. (we love excuses)
Oh wait one more graphic image….one sec….
You would think looking at that picture would be enough for any addict to quit but nope. We don’t gaf really.
Anyway….. I made it through today.
I am satisfied and proud of myself for managing to get through Day 2 without smoking. It was a tough battle but I won this time.
Let’s see how Day 3 goes.
I love you ❤
Peace and Love
xo iva xo