My Facebook memory looked like this:
7 years ago. Wow.
My partner and I had just purchased a lovely home the year before. It was in a very posh neighbourhood. The house was big and the yard was gorgeous with tons of potential. It was in a cul-de-sac so we also had tons of privacy.
We purchased the house literally weeks before the owners were ready to declare bankruptcy. The home, as lovely as it was, desperately needed TLC and fresh energy.
It was dark and gloomy. You could almost feel the dark energy the minute you walked in the house. The owners were older and fell into depression and alcoholism.
The carpets needed to be ripped out. Walls washed. Garbage everywhere. It really was disgusting but had unlimited potential.
We picked it up for a good price and the tiring task of fixing it up and making it ‘ours and homey’ began.
By Easter of 2012 we had decided our home was clean enough to entertain my entire family (his family lived in Southern Ontario).
I remember that whole weekend very well. Things were tense between us. I was always walking on eggshells with him. Every day for almost 8 years. It was always his way. Everything. I had no say in anything.
He reminded me of that constantly.
But that weekend, things were particularly rough. I was reaching my breaking point. I wasn’t sure how much more of him I could take. I had been beaten down verbally and emotionally for almost 8 years.
It takes its toll on a person. And then one day you snap.
I snapped. On Easter weekend.
It was Easter Sunday. I was in the kitchen getting everything ready for dinner. It was a hectic and busy afternoon for me. He was there helping but also very much in the way. But it was his way. Always.
One comment led to another and I lost my fucking mind. I was in the middle of chopping veggies with a huge ass knife and turned to yell at him frantically waving the knife in my hand.
Oh ya. It wasn’t pretty.
He stormed out of the house and didn’t return until 10 pm that night.
I was so done.
When he returned I was in the spare bedroom writing up my good bye letter. I just couldn’t go on any longer.
I wrote it with great fear. He was gonna be mad. Really fucking mad. I couldn’t believe I was finally doing this. Fear almost kept me from finishing it and giving it to him.
But I had to. Every ounce of me was whispering ‘iva, please go now’. I had to listen to her.
I had no idea where I was going to go. I had no money. I had no real job. I had nothing. The only thing left was a glimmer of hope and a teeny amount of self confidence.
One thing I did have an awful lot of was faith. Faith that this was the right decision and things were going to work out okay for me. I had to believe it. I had nothing else.
I knew I couldn’t live like this anymore. I knew that there had to be something better for me. It was time for me to find out.
My entire world changed that year. I left him, got a real job, had friends and family help me out and slowly started rebuilding my life, alone, for the very first time.
I had no idea who I was anymore. I was a new person with a shitty history. It was time to take all the lessons that life threw at me and grow into someone I always longed to be.
Free. Happy. And Fully Alive.
2012 for me was the year of monumental life changes. I spent the whole year finding myself (yes that’s a thing), reinventing myself and building all my selfs:
- self love
- self esteem
- self worth
- self confidence and
- self respect
2012 I stood on the launching pad of life and jumped off, without a safety net, hoping that I would land safely.
And I did. Very safely. ❤
Change is fucking scary
Amirite? It’s so easy to just stay where we are because it’s comfortable, it’s familiar and ‘things aren’t that bad anyway’.
Did you ever think that though things maybe aren’t that bad they certainly could be a helluva lot better? With regards to my relationship, I was well taken care of, I had a beautiful home and someone who did love me (even though he had a funny way of showing it).
Things weren’t ‘that bad’ and besides, it’s not like he was beating me up or anything.
But things were bad. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t being true to myself and I certainly wasn’t living the life I knew I deserved.
We only get one shot at this thing called life. I was tired of pissing it away to live the way someone else wanted me to live.
I hope you’re not doing that. If you are, it’s time to get your ass to the launching pad of life and jump. I promise you, there is a beautiful safety net waiting for you.
I love you ❤
Peace and Love
xo iva xo