So back in June Iva woke up one day and declared “I need to change my life and eat healthier”!
And so it happened. It was Sunday, June 14th and that was the day I decided to quit smoking and completely overhaul my kitchen.
~what was she thinking?~
Now while quitting smoking is something I do at least twice a year for a few months, changing my eating habits was going to be totally foreign territory for me. I have a serious problem with the latter because I happen to love food.
An awful lot. I especially love good food that’s bad for you.
Could I do it? Am I up for the challenge? I was about to find out.
Armed and dangerous
I cleaned out my kitchen of all the bad food (bye popcorn 😭, I love you) donated some to my cleaning lady and the rest to my friend. I was ready!
I spoke to a friend who sent me some videos to watch and learn all about the keto diet. The most important thing I needed to know was what CAN I eat?
I already know what I can’t eat. Everything that tastes good. So give me the good news now, please. Tell me there are still some tasty foods that I can enjoy on this diet.
So in case you didn’t know, here’s a teeny list of what you can’t eat on keto:
- sugar (I’m crying)
- chocolate (fuck you)
- french fries (seriously??)
- potatoes (that’s mean)
- bananas (oh come on now)
- pasta (my Italian grandmother is rolling in her grave)
- bread (I hate you)
- Nutella (who made these stupid fucking rules anyway?)
- margaritas (you’re kidding, right?)
- and pretty much everything else I love.
And an even teenier list of what you can eat on keto:
- kale (ew)
- broccoli (meh)
- meat (yes bacon!!!)
- cauliflower (oh joy oh bliss)
- fish (ok, yum)
- water (well that’s exciting)
- cheese (thank you!!)
- and a few other so-called yummy and apparently good for you foods.
Am I excited yet? I kinda am but sad too. Can I handle not eating bread, sugar, french fries, and other things I love?
I needed to do this to see how it can change my health. I’m not getting any younger and I need to take better care of myself. Now the smoking part is a challenge all in its own but the eating part too? Ooph.
And off I went.
My experience with keto
So the first week I felt a little sick. Keto flu (that doesn’t require a mask) apparently. Oh, such fun! Thank God that only lasted about 3 days. Picture it-runny nose, light-headed, hungry, weak, and tired.
Doesn’t that sound like a riot??
Weeks 2–3 I changed up my meal plan to add more food and figure out what was working and what wasn’t.
Also by the end of week 3, I crashed and crashed really fucking hard. One Saturday out with a friend, I got inked, got drunk, and had burger and fries (don’t judge).
The burger and fries were like an orgasm in my mouth. The margaritas went down like, well, margaritas!! Fun was had by all and the next day I was one hurting mofo.
Moving into week 4 I’ve settled quite nicely into keto. I know how to eat and honestly do feel much better.
But in my experience, I also noticed a few things that no one tells you about starting the keto diet so, please, allow me to enlighten you.
10 things no one tells you about the keto diet
- It’s expensive as fuck. Depending on where you live in the world, some things you just can’t buy at a store. Like Swerve sugar substitute for example. If I order from Amazon Mexico I can get a bag from around $15–100. Ya hard pass.
- You will crash. You will be jonesing for your favourite food so bad that one day you will just say “fuck it, I’m eating this”. And you will. And then the next day you will have a sore belly.
- When you cheat you will feel sick. Now honestly that does depend on what your cheat food was. But regardless of what it is, be prepared to suffer the consequences which can include, headaches and bellyaches.
- It is emotionally exhausting. Don’t even laugh, I’m not kidding. You’re quitting something you’ve been doing all your life. You will grieve!! Trust me on that. And you will get frustrated and cry.
- Most cookie recipes are disgusting. I’m not even kidding. The garbage and the dog outside have seen more cookies in the last month than my belly. I’ve gone through many and have finally found two I absolutely love.
- You’ll get frustrated an awful lot. There are things you want and can’t have. You will get pretty pissed by this sometimes. You’ll be at the grocery store one day and a big bag of Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip cookies are staring at you and you’re crying and then get frustrated.
- You’ll get hot-tempered. Like, in case you aren’t already. Frustration leads to impatience which leads to angry outbursts. Er, or maybe that’s just me?
- You’ll want to give up. There will be many days you will want to say fuck this shit and go back to your old ways. It’s a struggle to talk yourself out of that but you will.
- Don’t believe everyone you listen to. There are a trillion million gazillion keto bloggers on the internet right now. You can’t believe them all. One keto ‘guru’ told me no snacks (shut the fuck up!!) while another guy said they’re fine, within reason.
- You will get a lot of backlash from your friends. This one kinda surprised me. Why would anyone care what I eat anyway? But your friends or family may tell you it’s a bad idea or talk you out of it. Just ignore them.
The good things about the keto diet plan
While the keto diet is hard af and emotionally exhausting, it does have some very good points about it.
I’ve lost 4 lbs in the first two weeks and I’m happy about that. I’m at my ideal weight now. Though I didn’t really start to lose weight. I have more energy now, can think more clearly, and haven’t had a migraine in over a month (aside from the one I had the day after I crashed).
I’m having fun, kinda, cooking up new dinner ideas and new treats too. I was happy to find some really awesome keto chocolatey peanut buttery treats and I usually have some on hand every week.
It’s not a horrible diet by any stretch of the imagination, it’s just really restrictive.
If you think you can handle the food restrictions and need to feel better or lose weight, I would recommend this diet. You still get to eat some yummy foods and you’ll honestly feel better.
I’m doing ok, in case you’re wondering
I now allow myself one small treat a week and I’m careful what I choose. I’ve tweaked my daily food intake and still feel I need to tweak more. I try to use good substitutes for the really expensive items that I need.
My advice to you, if you are thinking about this, is find one or two really good keto gurus to follow and stick to them.
If you cheat, don’t beat yourself up.
And be mentally prepared for it. It’s not easy giving up chocolate and pasta (sorry nonna).
xo iva xo